Death is a delightful hiding place for weary men.

Friday, August 29, 2008

the friend that was never one

in that forgotten part of town
where wasted hopes and dreams abound
a wrinkled man with life near end
in hopes to have at least one friend
fashioned bits of wood and things
and made a dummy run by strings

he sat alone for hours on end
conversing with his only friend
and found delight within the fact
that he controlled it's very act
he told it how he never had
a chance, since all his luck was bad
although he tried so to succeed
the friend nodded and agreed

and how his journeys in romance
had never given him a chance
and wasnt it a crying shame
that he was always held to blame
when everyone knew oh so well
that life is but a living hell
controlled by lust, power and greed
the friend nodded and agreed

with patience that would rival saints
that friend sat through all complaints
and with each little expert tug
he'd drop his head, bow or shrug
and give some comfort to the man
who held his lifelines in his hand
and helped to fill a lonely need
when he just nodded and agreed

senility increased with time
as did the old man's phantomime
and feverish fingers pulled with glee
the dummy's dance of misery
they never left each other's side
until the day both stopped and died
we found them lying hand in hand
the dummy and his wooden friend

dedicated to touran and all those out there who had friends not worth

* * * * *

astrocow
15:52

Monday, August 25, 2008

fuzzy fuzzy

to be or not to be, that is the question.

have you wondered that your life was so wretched that complete non-existence would in fact be preferable? now if suicide actually offered us this choice, "to be or not to be" lies before us in the full sense of the words. it could be chosen unconditionally as a highly desirable termination. there is something in us however, which tells us that this is not so, this is not the end of things, that death is not an absolute annihilation. so do you know what is your that something?

take arms against an irresistable sea of troubles
watch your strength fade amongst the bubbles
troubles resisted rather than borne will destroy us
take them in your stride and stand fast

conscience does make cowards of us all
stand up to it or we'll fall
dreading fires of hell after death
a set of halo you'll never have

ever felt life was full of contradictions? there are always 2 sides to a coin, and one of which we always fail to see because its faced down. for example, imagine if you crashed your car and got into a bad accident. it'd make you feel bad. but now think, the fact that you met the woman of your life by crashing your car against hers makes you feel good. so it'd be perfectly normal to say that you feel both good and bad. but you would say that you felt more goodness than badness, so let's agree that there are different degrees for feeling good and bad, different degrees for truth and lies. we're talking fuzzy here. the same applies for existence of psychic powers, aliens and magic - you can't prove their existence rationally nor can you prove their non-existence. but some people believe in them and you can't say that they are wrong because you can't prove their non-existence! so we could perhaps say that your computer has a higher degree of existence than say, those little green men from mars. we can't prove the existence or non-existence of both but most people (imo) would believe in the existence of your computer rather than the little green men.

any system would be unable to prove its validity by itself. this can be seen as trying to prove maths with maths. you need a starting point or else all your definitions will become recursive. then again, how can you prove the validity of the starting point? what i'm trying to say is that we can't prove ourselves rationally. it is up to others.

for example, i can believe that a woman isn't wearing any underwear (and there's only one way to prove it hahahhaha). you can believe that an alien visited me last afternoon for lunch and gave me funny stuff. someone can believe in god and there is no way that you can prove him it's non existence with reasons, and the opposite for a non-believer. i believe that i am sitting in a chair, but i can't prove that my senses don't fool me. i also believe i exist, but i can't prove it. maybe i'm just a replica and my memories were implanted yesterday, and before I didn't existed. maybe i'm Hitler's clone, but no one has told me about it yet. this last two i don't believe, but i can't prove their falseness. so, we can't prove all these, and i can only believe in them. this could mean that faith (not religious), but the part of our minds which does the believing is a starting point. well, it is clear that i can't prove this faith.. we could say that we have to believe that our reason is correct to then reason.

i believe, therefore i think, therefore i am.

life is full of choices everyday. make them worthwhile.

back to where i was, if you chose "to be" - between the devil and the deep blue sea, which would you chose?

astrocow
16:26

Sunday, August 24, 2008

much awaited

devils and saints alike
will die before the end
we laugh, we cry, we post online
till life from limb time does rend

tears and kisses
are naught but letters
the monitor is formidable
online we live and away you can cast
the awkward smiles behind the omnipresent mask

my life is but a joke (or is it?)
on the ground i lay broke
wings i seem to have lost
withering in the frost
under Your command i lie
waiting for the day i die

and the humming
the rocking and strumming
the singing of something
insomniac's blurring
visionary's glowing
discordian portals growing

high on life
abstain from the knife
have a smoke
be a rogue

what proof do i need
to show that i exist
amongst all your pretentious entities
and your mundane daily trysts

i walk among you
a fledgling of this state
i'm not tied to your small mistakes
for my mother's name is fate

i have naught to show
such things are left to bleed
dying as it exits a hollow shell
i reveal how much i really need

specters now i see
in reflections of my eyes
barricaded cries which yearn for ears
to break this final painful guise

content i'll now be
this snide, dejected wraith
oblivious to all my pain
i'm burdened to my faith

you don't need to see
to prove that i exist
my existence does not concern you
nor do my bleeding wrists

this i have to show
no diminutive repute
my self confidence speaks of who i am
what a pity that its mute

* * * * *
hoho first one for this skin! =)

astrocow
16:30

Thursday, August 21, 2008

complete

it's all done! woohoo! now that i look at it, i think it looks damn messy hahaha all the things all over the place but i don't give a damn hahah.

gonna write something to replace all these nonsensical posts that i've been putting up =p

hang on yea? =)

astrocow
17:11

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

new skin

some feedback please hehe, still a few more little things here and there to touch up, so this aint the finished work =)

astrocow
19:34

Monday, August 18, 2008

aquaman!

lol i just read that michael phelps has got 8 gold medals in this year's olympics - a gold for every event he took part in, breaking mark spitz's record set in 1972 (he won 7 golds then).

i then began to think, "he is kinda like a fish aint he?" since "The Dark Knight" has broken so many boxoffice records, other comic book hero movies such as "Iron Man", "Incredible Hulk", "Spiderman", "Hellboy" and "X-Men" etc all did reasonably well, i'm sure Hollywood will keep making this kinda movies till they all become "Batman and Robin" or "Catwoman".

as "The Dark Knight", "Iron Man", and "Incredible Hulk" receives not just great financial returns but also critical claims, one of the reasons is that they hire some real actors to lead the movies rather just some pretty boys. however, whether the movie is good or not, the CG is fantastic or not, that's up to the people behind to pull the strings - a leading man must fit the role. michael phelps, the new olympic legend, has a good look and a fantastic body, whether he can act or not...that's not something I know, but I think he definitely fits the role of "Aquaman". he can swim, man CAN HE SWIM OR WHAT. well, the diving part... CG can help... but with him leading the role, I'm sure that is a great marketing scheme. will u go to see him as Aquaman? i will!

Michael Phelps as Aquaman - go Hollywood! (maybe i should bring this up to them and get some ideas fee lol)

astrocow
13:53

Sunday, August 17, 2008

peek-a-boo

it's long over but maybe i'm jealous/envious/covetus/green-eyed how easily/quickly you've moved. that state which we ended, those terms. i'm still bitter. because of those sacrifices, how i tried to change myself. i'm incoherent now i know. stop talking to yourself! urgh, its not working because if it did, it'd mean the end of the blog.

i know i'm beating around the bush. i just want to say one thing, this one thing and get it off my chest,

you've proved me right when i called you a slut

those words must hurt i know, which is why they came out in the first place. other than that, y'all have no reason to know why but believe, i have my reasons for saying stuff like that.

what fallacy.

astrocow
21:07

Friday, August 15, 2008

shades of timeless gray

this was done actually writing on a piece of paper beforehand, kinda occupied me for the afternoon at least. i'm beginning to wonder if i should dig out what i wrote in the past haha anyhow, here it is - ladies and gentlemen, i hope you like it =)

at this time
in this place
run the race

out of time
cannot hide
haunting thoughts

plague my mind
see the signs
age unkind

no one's safe
bitter taste
daunting pace

on my heels
thrilled by chills
bleeding quill

borrowed time
life sublime
mortal's crime

death so real
start to peel
see me kneel

hollowed ground
make no sound
it'll turn round

time has come
see me run
furtively towards the sun

alone again
another night
no thoughts nor memories
no sweet words or pleasantries

this optimistic face
paints a false picture
this smiling face
is no permanent fixture
solitude births the man behind the mask
tired of this daunting task
of appearing happy... alone

in my dreams
i find the source of all my destitution
my soul has had it's fill of prostitution
the dawn brings no relief from scorn or shame
for it's just another day alone again

it should have been different this time
but as before, life goes astray
never black or white but an erratic shade of gray

played the part
nobody could recognise
lost all identity
but its no surprise

it's hard to play the part
this hypothetical role
when all there is is a body
a body without a soul

my lies were the burden i had to bear
like Christ and his cross
it was the crown of thorns i had to wear
when of love and life i had lost

i was hung for the perfect show
betrayal was my daily bread
crying for the life i used to know
has again left myself for dead

* * * * *

oh i'm still working on the new skin so gimme some time yea, highly likely to be some vampirish skin because of the influence i'm getting from reading this new book >.<

astrocow
16:47

Thursday, August 14, 2008

quirks

ok basically i've been "tagged" to play this game (which is not fun at all) to list out 6 of my idiosyncrasies. i duno i may have more than 6, i'll just list them anyway and dun worry, i'm not gonna play tag.

1) i like to correct other people's english, be it written or spoken
2) when typing, i always press "space" twice after a fullstop and only once after a comma
3) i'm never satisfied by just pressing the button at the traffic light once, press more times then the thing will know i'm in a hurry what
4) when i go out everything must be in the same pockets e.g. cigarettes, keys in left, phone in right, wallet at back, but everything comes out onto the desk when i reach the office
5) i will often not click on the first search result that comes out on google, until i've checked through some of the rest
6) toilet rolls must roll outwards, not inwards
7) i will have an urge to straighten out crooked stuff like picture frames
8) i always wet my toothbrush before i put the tooth paste on it

okay so i got eight. i'm pretty sure there's more but this is all i can come up with at the moment. anyway since i'm on this topic might as well let y'all in on something

9 brain quirks you didnt realise you had

1) our short-term memory has a max capacity of seven
humans have 3 forms of memory: sensory, long-term and short-term. long-term memory is like hard-drive space, while short-term memory works like a very small RAM. this short-term memory can hold only about five to nine (average is seven) items at a time. remembering information longer than this requires you to either compress it down into seven units or store it in long-term memory. this is why last time phone numbers were only seven digits. it's eight now cos not enough numbers to use lol

2) yellow-green is the most visible color
yellow-green sits right in the middle of the frequencies of visible light. our eyes have receptors for blue, green and red. being in the middle, yellow-green is the one most noticeable and not red like many of us think it is

3) our subconscious is smarter than we are
or at least more powerful. in one study, a square was assigned to a location on a computer screen through a complex pattern. after watching it, people began to get results better than chance of picking out where the square would pop up next. but when asked to consciously determine the pattern, even given a few hours, very few could do it

4) we have two nervous systems
one set controls excitation and the other controls inhibition. if you hold out your hand, you might notice minor tremors. this is caused by slight, random differences in the amount each of the two systems are firing and not because u're suffering from alzheimers' =p

5) our brain is awful at probability
maybe your maths teacher have told you this. what’s interesting isn’t that your brain is bad at probability, but how. it seems our minds like to think more details make events more probable, not less. think it through

6) our memory isn’t great either
studies have shown that people are highly likely to misremember past events. even worse, it is incredibly easy to suggest a memory that never happened. this is why so-called “repressed” memories should be given a lot of thought. it is far easier to suggest a memory of an event never happened, then it is to recover one that actually did. so the next time you get drunk, things that you think happened, they did - no need for further thought

7) we can perceive depth with one eye
it’s a myth that depth perception is entirely the result of having two eyes. binocular vision does assist in making a 3D picture. however, most of our ability to perceive depth comes from inside our brain. it has been wired to look at angles and proportions to judge distance. if we required two eyes to perceive depth then most optical illusions wouldn’t work and it would be incredibly difficult to gather information from flat photographs. not to mention a lot more one-eyed pirates walking overboard - there goes captain hook

8) long-term memory shuts down during sleep
the parts of the brain that transfer information to long-term memory shut down while sleeping. this is why dreams quickly fade away after you wake up. although you may have several dreams in a night, they aren’t being recorded into long-term memory. only the fragments of a dream left in short-term memory have a chance to be encoded after you wake up so now you know why you usually only remember dreams that happened closer to the time you actually wake up

9) we have an instant playback feature
i mentioned that humans have 3 forms of memory, short-term, long-term and sensory. sensory memory is our brain’s equivalent to an instant playback feature. imagine being at a gathering and overhearing someone say your name. often you can recall what they said even though you were focused on another conversation. this is because your sensory memory re-sends the signals when it finds something important, such as your name. if you lacked this form of memory, activities such as multitasking or taking notes from a lecturer would be impossible. if you’re asked to repeat something you just said because the other person wasn’t listening, just wait a few seconds. often they can replay the message in their head and give a response. so for those who can't multitask, your brain is definitely short of something

* * * * *

this post took longer than it should because of multiple msn conversations =p, and i said being sick stinks because idk for what reason, my fart stinks - maybe its cos of the medicine LOL

astrocow
14:30

down with the syndrome

fever

urgh it stinks.

astrocow
10:42

Monday, August 11, 2008

candlelight

this single flame
biting through darkness
to light my way, sane
home

hope
there is no other word i will hear
fuck desolation, desperation and isolation
i am still here

my little flame guides me like a flare
towards the dawn of doves
no matter what awaits me there
for i know only one truth - love

cold seeps into my bones
and all time slows, my abomination
gone are dreams and metronomes
all that's left is this grim determination

i can get there by candlelight
drag my feet through the darkness
as it spreads up and over me, taking flight
i don't mind for
i'm going home

* * * * *

i write so much but who appreciates? who understands? sorry just ranting >.<
standby for the new blogskin since it seems like alot of people don't really like this haha, will miss it though - i've used it for at least a year.

oh and i got my fedora - $15, cheap! ^_^v

astrocow
17:57

Friday, August 08, 2008

if only

"If only. Those must be the saddest two words in the world." - Mercedes Lackey.

how many times have you said "aiya if only i knew, (insert action)" in your life?
think it's enough to generate lotsa thoughts for everyone.

people are starting to call me pessimistic *coughs, you know who you are*, so let's bring on a little bit of optimism, not those happy pinky bubbly ones though.

we only live once, live your life without regrets. i would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if i'd just been myself.

when one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

okay enough from me, kinda in a brain jam already.

P.S.: COMMENTS PLEASE!!! should i change my blogskin? LOL

astrocow
16:41

Thursday, August 07, 2008

woohoo

my blog has a new music player sharing songs that i like =) total playlist has 50 songs so should have enough for u all to listen ^_^v

i just got a new haircut too whooping 240 bucks zomg, look damn nerdy now - hopefully its worth it haha

i wanna get a fedora >.<

yea the bimbotic side of me =p

astrocow
17:37

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

lost

adrift on a sea of hopes and prayers
lost on the waves, i cry to deaf ears
the irony of this is i set sail on purpose
my soul was the sail of my salty tears

nobody sees me
nobody cares

the tunnel is black and its creatures foul
screeching out loud hear their howls
no light at the end
no god to attend
just a mangy dog to share his fleas
make me twitch and hear my pleas

i cry and feed the angry sea
drawing jagged lines across my flesh
the red wells up, liquid and glistening
it doesnt matter, nobody's listening

hitching breaths that will not die
i persist but i don't know why
i am i and nothing is for me to say
maybe it was not to be this way
drift away, far away - life isn't fair

nobody sees me
nobody cares

* * * * *

perhaps i should just stop day-dreaming.
i went round so many of my friends' blogs like most of them are talking about relationships about love.
IMO, the first relationship that you get into is the one that gets you into deep shit. you will inadvertently split up (tell me how many of you are still with your first boy/girlfriend). you get this empty void in your heart that is empty - a place where he/she used to occupy. you look for another to occupy that place and the whole process repeats.

people these days start dating at such young ages - i mean wtf, your first boyfriend/girlfriend at 13/14? i was still learning what masturbation was all about. zzz do they really understand what love is about? can they really picture themselves spending the rest of their lives with that guy/girl? even at 23/24 i still can't really fathom or grasp a rough idea of it. once it starts to hit a year or so, is it really still love or is it just comfort zone? grey area huh?

why do people fall in love? why do i fall in love? seriously i duno why. sick and tired of relationships. one fails after another. so many wasted years thinking something good will come out of it. but at the pace life is going now, one cannot really take their time to evaluate the other partner. its like a mega sale - first come first serve. miss it and its gone but if u take it, it may just be another rotten fish out there in the ocean.

"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved before" - i beg to differ.

why do people fall in love? don't we know love is full of dangers?
letting loose our foolish hearts in this world of perfect strangers
maybe this time you will find that the moon will treat you kinder

love is needing to belong right or wrong, when you feel the fire
love is living in mid-air young and rare, on a sky-high wire
hoping this time it will last, you feel your heart beat faster

taking chances you would never take
when wide awake, you risk it all
half afraid that your heart will break
you close your eyes and simply fall

why do people fall in love? are we fools with no hope of winning?
or perhaps we always see one last chance for a new beginning
holding on and letting go but never really knowing
well i guess afterall that's the reason people fall in love

astrocow
15:07