of all the things i've lost

emptiness falls

2010-07-15T21:18:00.002+08:00

i try to understand these thoughts of mine
i don't question why cos the answers i won't find
you think it's something i can control
but your assumptions, they're quickly getting old

can't run away
can't face these days
as the emptiness falls down on me
can't hide my face
no saving grace
as the emptiness falls down on me

The emptiness, The emptiness, as the emptiness falls down on me
The emptiness, The emptiness, as the emptiness falls down on me

i waste away my sunlight hours
i run from the emptiness as the children cower
you blind your ears to the silent screams
but your frown, it's a grin bursting at its seams

can't run away
can't face these days
as the emptiness falls down on me
can't hide my face
no saving grace
as the emptiness falls down on me

The emptiness, The emptiness, as the emptiness falls down on me
The emptiness, The emptiness, as the emptiness falls down on me

i'm losing my grip on reality
i can't figure out what's meant to be
you act like you'll be there
but when i need you, you're nowhere

can't run away
can't face these days
as the emptiness falls down on me
can't hide my face
no saving grace
as the emptiness falls down on me

The emptiness, The emptiness, as the emptiness falls down on me
The emptiness, The emptiness, as the emptiness falls down on me

As the emptiness falls down on me.

don't pity me

2010-07-15T21:18:00.001+08:00

a Daylily blooms for just one day
a lovely star flower made that way
"I'll be back next year, so don't pity me,
now one bloom, next time three."

a Mayfly lives for just one day
the good Lord created her that way
"I'll lay my eggs, so don't pity me,
next year we'll be a thousand; wait and see."

time lasts only a second, nothing more
there are as many of them as sand upon the shore
"I'll come and go, so don't pity me
till the end of life with time i'll be."

closest enemies

2010-07-15T21:17:00.000+08:00

for those who will listen
all those that will heed
the world today is stricken
with enemies indeed

yet they will evade your sight
as to stay your friend as well
these friends these days are a blight
yet their numbers and betrayal swells

this friend that stabs you in the back
and smiles to your unknowing face
would love to see you fall to the black
or drift off into space

all like this are worse than snakes
with their sly and crooked ways
they'd gladly watch you burn to flakes
yet in your face they put on the nicest little plays

beware of these enemies who seem to stand by you
they will exploit your talents and riches alike
but when trouble comes your friends will turn to few
employ your senses to your friends and the like

then you'll find a true friend, maybe two
that will always be straight true.

Beyond the Elysian Gate

2010-07-15T21:16:00.000+08:00

When crystals silence Mistress Moon
strings of stars merge soulless fragments
seizing dust upon wondrous yarns
textures weave with florid figments

silk renews to blossom-archers
when crystals silence Mistress Moon
gift-wrapping an essence of grace
ribbons anchor with glitters strewn

birds extend celestial glows
reflecting night sky's tapestries
when crystals silence Mistress Moon
bronze feathers swirl infinitely

Zodiac's hands shore water jars
sprinkling faith on lachrymose tunes
cosmic creatures shift in sequence
when crystals silence Mistress Moon

desert red

2010-06-15T17:08:00.001+08:00

walking alone in a desert dry
hearing nothing but a lonesome cry
yearning deeply for an angel's kiss
seeing nothing but an oasis

water of life, crystal clear
may it dispel all your fears
red hot ruby precious rock
is not where the doves will flock

this shade of red
this shade of red
will never fade
will never fade

doves, they seek for inner love
something most find ethereal

storms of brown sand congregate
attempt to be your dirty fate

come the night adorned with twinkling stars
alas! jewels you would wish they are
as hard as your minds create
constellations they are, not a shade of red

this shade of red
this shade of red
will never fade
will never fade

for it runs deep down in us
for many, if not all of us
this secret shade of ruby red

angel teardrops

2010-04-28T10:26:00.001+08:00

loving angel, once careless and ever so free
flew into the clouds and lost touch with thee
her tears were cold and wet, falling on my face
her smile had left us without a trace

her angelic lips quivered, frozen and scared
i felt rain clouds visiting, so be prepared
i knew that angels, often content
were very special presents that the heavens sent

to see one so sad,
so afraid,
so alone,
had made me weep as the cold winds blown.

her wings lost feathers
comforting and soft
falling from the stars
floating aloft

her pain was felt throughout the land
to feel true misery, it's impossible to stand
i prayed so that when her hurting stops
i'd be able to clear her soft teardrops

wishes

2010-03-31T18:41:00.001+08:00

the storekeeper had no dreams to sell
so i bought a wish from the wishing well
the water was cool and dark and deep
the well had many secrets in its keep

i looked to the bottom with a grin
and i quickly tossed my small coin in
i closed my eyes and scratched my head
"i wish i was something else" i said

"if i was a bird, i could live in a tree
or maybe a fish so i could swim the sea
if i was a lion, i'd growl and roar"
i wished and wished, and wished some more

i waited awhile, then suddenly
the well threw my coin back to me
and from the bottom a voice was heard
"you're not a lion, fish or bird"

"you're a special child and only you
are able to make your wish come true"

sometimes

2010-03-23T18:59:00.001+08:00

sometimes you feel like a broken angel on the ground
sometimes you feel like a symphony without a sound
sometimes you feel like a lock without a key
sometimes its just the things that you see

sometimes you feel like a flower without petals
sometimes you feel like a perm without curls
sometimes you feel like a building without stairs
sometimes its just that you're in despair

sometimes you feel like an eagle that cant soar
sometimes you feel like a lion that cant roar
sometimes you feel like a fish out of water
sometimes its just the things that hamper

perhaps sometime u'll forget these sometimes
and perhaps i'd have forgotten how words rhymes
but this time do think through carefully
about have you chosen what to be.

prisoner of the world

2010-02-18T19:55:00.002+08:00

from the black flame of a candle so cold
i watch the eyes in the mirror, they look so old
visions and memories, from a story that's been told
emptiness descends on a criminal soul

can you see through the darkness, of the flame so deep
the breath from the throat of a soldier so weak
the blood pours from a cut he can't defeat
lay down the beast, close his eyes - he must sleep

when the window on the wall of the mind does fall
a flashback of a place in a space where he crawled
take the chance to glance at the face on the wall
he was a good soul, a child after all

somewhere along the line he came to know
goodness and evil, takes a shine to the place he must go
water and soil feeds the plant, for the seeds to grow
warriors and warlocks, take the time to steal the show

from the black flame of a candle so cold
i watch the leafs on this tree, they look so old
roots and branches about a story that's been told
when emptiness descends, the leafs will fold

anything is possible

2009-11-17T03:25:00.002+08:00

limitless are the multitudes of possibilities
anything can be achieved with proper mental abilities
no dream is ever truly out of your reach
inner voices should be the ones dominating the speech

having a goal that you are striving to achieve
keeps you cognizant of the necessity to believe
the greatest lesson in life that a person should learn
is to constantly strive for greatness, to constantly yearn

take all advice with the requisite dosage of salt
try not to waste time and energy fixing a fault
anything is possible as long as you are committed
never allow yourself to be easily defeated or outwitted

life will always play out, no matter what you choose
stand up and be accounted for, walk a mile in your own shoes
what once seemed as tho it were entirely too implausible
has now occurred, because you will find that anything is possible

if you keep your spirits raised and head held high
you'll be utterly amazed at just how high you can fly
recognise the moments in life that have no significance
live each day with the utmost of due diligence

life does has moments that can drag you lower
you can achieve anything but some things happen slower
be your own overachieving advocate at all times
always answer when your bell finally chimes

fill in your thoughts and actions with a positive twist
be willing to rule yourself with a sturdy iron fist
as a toddler my hopes and fears were quite simple
as an adolescent they centered on my next pimple

as i grew into my awkward teenage years
i began to shed many redundant tears
no longer are the days when you are a mere pebble
now come the days when you're life's ultimate rebel

during the dangerous college career
the primary focus was that truth telling mirror
if you had one single strand of hair out of place
you would fall forever behind in popularity's cruel race

doing all of the necessary crimping
leaving yourself exposed and shallowly pimping
as soon as you stop seeking out all of life's riches
you will find that you should only scratch what itches

you've changed from that pebble into a precious stone
with the ultimate goal of never being alone
what once seemed as tho it were entirely too implausible
has now occurred, because you will find that anything is possible

never listen to those that cast their disparaging stones
avoid the cynically negative people and their abundant clones
dreams were placed gingerly onto the back burner
fitting in to replace a once avid learner

but those days quickly passed by, nobody will remember
but at least we do know now anything is possible

wow, epic!

2009-11-08T08:43:00.003+08:00

CLICK HERE!

lol, just check it out and you'll know why!

blind

2009-11-08T08:27:00.002+08:00

if i could tear you from the ceiling
and guarantee a source divine
rid you off possessions fleeting
remain your funny valentine

don't go and leave me
and please don't drive me blind
you don't believe me
but you do this everytime

if i could tear you from the ceiling
i know the best i have tried
i'd fill your every breath with meaning
and find a place we both could hide

don't go and leave me
and please don't drive me blind
you don't believe me
but you do this everytime

if i could tear you from the ceiling
i'd freeze us both in time
find a brand new way of seeing
your eyes forever glued to mine

don't go and leave me
and please don't drive me blind
you don't believe me
but you do this everytime

i know we're broken
i know it's broken
i know we're broken blind
i know it's broken blind

longing

2009-10-28T01:00:00.002+08:00

for this to come to a conclusion.

i'm confused.

* * * * *

perhaps the twinkling of a star
will mellow the ache in my sorrowful heart
maybe the sight of the bright full moon
will sparkle some hope in my mind so gloom

but the moon and stars have passed
still the ache and gloom within me lasts
consumed within the heartless night
praying to at last see some light

all over again

2009-10-13T23:20:00.002+08:00

felling this sense of deja vu

i need to think.

i'm an insecure bastard and i hate it.

the moment

2009-10-06T23:56:00.003+08:00

i prolly hafta repeat this to alot of people in my life, but i will say it again.

dont judge me when you dont even know me.
i'm more than what your tiny brains can even comprehend.

i shall not explain the specifics because it'll just end up in another blabber of words that i think not many would like to see. but if u really do wanna know, let me know and i'll be more than happy to do so in another post.

plus i dont wanna end up spoiling the mood that i'm in.

* * * * *

if i meet you in the morning
when my day is new and bright
your presence is like sunshine
as it warms me with its light

i feel my troubles fading
as you share your peace and joy
you sit with me and listen intently
and guide me with your love ever so gently

my day is always brightened
whether rain or storm or even snow
for your presence always keeps me
safe and secure wherever we go

the world may perish in storm
but next to you, i'm safe and warm
and prior fears that traumatised are gone
your loving guidance keeps me from all harm

sweet surrender, sweet splendor, sweet blessings
all wrapped up in love
new adventure, new arrival, new beginnings
by the wings of the dove

rosy cheeks, clumsy/cute ways, fingers cold
new love from this moment that just grows and grows
how i waited, dreamed of this special moment so grand
what a feeling, joy and miracle now clinging tighly to my hand

such a miracle come true
what did i ever do to deserve to hold you, to love you
you have stolen my heart, what a twist of fate
and of all the moments before and after you

none shall ever be as great. 041009 <3

forgotten

2009-09-14T03:33:00.000+08:00

i'm stuck in a place so dark, you could hardly see
a manner of matter that splits with the words i speak
and as the rain drips acidic questions around me
i block out the sight of the powers that be

duck away into the darkness, times up
i wind up in a rusted world with eyes shut
so tight that it blurs into the world of pretend
and the eyes ease open and it's dark again

listen to the sound, dizzy from the ups and downs
and nauseated by the polluted melodies all around
watching the wheels of cars that pass
i look past to the light and the long shadows it casts

a window grows and captures the eye
it cries out a yellow light as it passes me by
and a young shadowy figure sits infront of this box
inside a building of rocks with antennas on top

now nothing can stop in this land of the pain
the same rules not knowing they were part of the game
and while the insides change, the box stays the same
and the figure inside could bear anybody's name

the memories i keep are from a time like then
i put them on paper so i could come back to them
someday i'm hoping to close my eyes and pretend
that this crumpled up paper can be perfect again

i'm here at this "podium" talking, this ceremonial offering
dedicated to urban dysfunctional offspring
city governments are eternally napping
trapped in greedy covenants, causing urban collapsing

no preparation is made, minimum wage, limited aid
living in a tenement cage where rent isnt paid
tragedy within a parade
the darkness overspreads like a permanent plague

i am the forgotten

true feelings growing old

2009-09-07T07:03:00.002+08:00

the wind blows a tree, heavy with the snow
it falls down to the frozen earth below
a man walks on by, air hanging high
with the frozen wind, his life has blown on dry

dew of life falls upon the ground
lovers and youths standing all around
the man looks at Youth right in the eye
feeling old, he finds a spot to cry

the sun beats down on the shore
waves rolling in off the ocean floor
the man walks down to where the water breaks
like the sands of time, his life it'll soon take

the leaves on the trees turning green to gold
showing to the world they're getting old
the man walks under the dying tree
in it he sees himself and feels ever so empty

the wind blows a tree heavy with the snow
it falls down on the crowd below
they all look upon a man who's at peace
with the winds of time, his soul will be released

underneath the track of my spinning wheel
between me and I, in this place where i feel
holding a flame near the edge where i stand
seeing colours screaming from my burning hand

nailing my head to a flagpole and letting it fly
seeing my ideals displayed for everyone to pry
crushing my heart under words of stone
watching truth pouring from this which that i own

asking me where and how i hold on to this dream
throwing lighted matches into this pit of gasoline
feeling the warmth from this place that resides
getting closer to a path where no one lies, but I

life.

2009-05-12T11:59:00.002+08:00

when i was a child, i remember people asking me what i wanted to be when i grew up - it never failed that my answer was forever changing. once i reached the adult world, it seemed like what i wanted to be was out of reach, therefore i settled on making a living instead. now i find myself searching for a more in-depth reason to explain the child i once was, the adult i currently am, and the kind of person i wanted to be.

once i figure out where i have been, or who i once was, i can add in where i am now, or who i am now, then I can begin to think about where I want to go, or who I want to be, and what I need to do to accomplish this goal. perhaps i can think of it as a mathematical type of equation, a +b = 2b +c. all in all it is a fairly long, drawn out, complicated equation which requires a great deal of inner searching, and delving into my past, and present affairs. after i have gathered all necessary information i must begin to put it all tofether and hope the pieces of my life's puzzle will fit together, so then i may sit down and take an analytical look at what has been, in hopes of finding the answer to search for my self. over the years i have pondered whether or not i was living the kind of life i was meant to live. when i think about where i have been and all i have done, i sometimes wonder if i have chosen the right paths to travel down. perhaps i could be living a life of ease, or one filled with fame and fortune. perhaps i could have made a name for myself, one that would live in the history books forever. perhaps i could have been of service to others. in spite of all my perhaps, i cannot change where i have been or where i am now. instead i must use my knowledge to uncover the truth of my self, in order to discover the kind of person i should be. i am confident that when all is said and done i will discover the various ethics, morals, standards and values that are alive and well in the world today, may create a definite dilemma to me and to anyone else who may be in search of self. the choices of how i should live, are many and all people have their own opinions of what is morally correct, and what is not. the kind of person i should be may just be the kind of person i already am today.

or maybe not.

life's lies

2009-04-21T01:55:00.001+08:00

Then the Lord said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?"
"I don't know", he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?"

- Genesis 4:9-16

that is said to be the first lie ever for humanity. why do people tell lies?

"liar, liar pants on fire" a silly little song we used to chant when we were young. dancing around the presumed guilty friend pointing fingers and snickering behing our grubby little hands. most of us have been guilty at times for not only telling "untruths", we have also been the recipient of false accusations. as a child the experience brought our idyllic world crashing down as we ran sobbing to our mother's comforting arms. although encouraged and at times threatened by our parents to never tell a lie, very few of us were guilt free growing up.

lies are sometimes classified depending on the severity of their less than humble beginnings. there is the "little white lie" which is most often used and abused. a bit of information not exactly true, a few words that become embellished as it passed from one source to another. its intentions were not meant to cause any harm to anyone's character. most times a little white lie is uttered merely for self preservation. it's partners in crime are the age old adages "i don't know" "i didn't do it". how many times as a child did we use those words to ward off any form of discipline?

there are instances when people lie to impress; attempting to move themselves to a higher position amongst their peers. disregarding the liability of their actions, if the truth becomes known they not only lose the trust of the person they lied to; their integrity is forever judged. labelled as someone who had trouble telling the truth, you become less reputable in social circles or the office setting. being caught in a lie has far reaching ramifications. realising a lie spreads like wildfire, be prepared for the liar's name to bounce like a ball; reaching people the liar has never met.

i remember my parents forever telling me as a child that it is much easier to "just tell the truth". more times than not they added "if you dont have something nice to say then dont say anything at all." growing up a little hard headed, i did not always follow their beliefs. make no mistake, the discipline came swift, but somehow it did not always stop the "little white lies" i committed in a futile attepmt to save myself.

i believe people lie for many reasons; to protect themselves first and foremost. they lie believing they present a better, more appealing image of themselves. lying to perhaps boost their self esteem. who really knows the reason people lie? besides if they revealed their reasons, would we believe them?

there are several important things i learnt way back then amongst my habitual "little white lie" escapades. the truth is not always easier to sayand during those times, say nothing at all. when we lie it will sometimes come back to haunt us sometime in out live, usually when we least expect it.

* * * * *

there upon the loom of life

are threaded all my days

some sunny gold with happiness

and some in shades of gray

sometimes i over analyse

see myself through other's eyes

sometimes i dont like what i see

but it's me, gotta let it be

mistakes are made, lessons learned

make them again, ask to be burned

i am who i am - take it or leave it

backstabbing backstabber? i really dont need it

i show myself true

not like you

lies and deceptions are not the plan

i wont apologize for being who i am

you see what you see, it's not my fault

i dont hide the true me, or lock it in a vault

feelings true and honest were built on lies

lies you wear like a disguise

you hide who you are, but i finally see

and turn away cos its not for me

emotions flood behind a gate

love so true, layered with hate

my head is in turmoil, i cant find the truth

am i so stuck on the love of youth?

that i cant trust whats offered to me

i cant take the hand offered so free?

mistakes are made, lessons learned

cant take any chance of getting burned

so i hide from the light and sit in the dark

it may not be right but i cant risk my heart

you see now what you did to me

with your lies and deceptions i didnt see

i trust the bad, mistrust the good

nothing seems to go on as it should

i cant bounce back like you expect of me

i cant ease your guilt or set your conscience free

that's not my job, you see?

i was who i am but longer am who i was

who i was, was lost. burried in disastrous love

so now i over analyse, see others through a screen in my eyes

a screen you built with threads of lies

curse

2009-04-03T00:08:00.002+08:00

the curse is set and shall not be broken
once words are read and out loud spoken
as it was written so it shall be
as light is of sun and as tide is of sea

upon your soul a thousand plagues
to live long and last for all of days
through the clouds the moon doth shine
darkness only doth entwine

you seek the light but shall not find
for demons taketh up your mind
and thou does pray this blight wont last
but praying makes them tighten grasp

and as grasp tightens, thy defies
but thou cant contain horrific cries
the mind has gone some and more from theft
all thou canst do is wish for death

the will to fight thou canst not find
for the taking of the mind
renders thee a broken shell
for words were spoken hence thee fell

the moon is there for all to see
if thou is frightened, go ahead and flee
for running is all one canst do
for them not to seem like a complete fool

there comes a point when one must stop
go against the wicked clock
face up to what thou calls reality
and not surrender yourself completely

when will the time for such come
only time will tell you when there's no more harm
time's the essence of our live
go on and find your perfect hive

gone

2009-04-01T08:47:00.000+08:00

guys, i've decided. plans already made, procedures almost done. i'm migrating in june. bye peeps.

happy april's fool! xD

lol ok i'm losing my sense of humour zz. dang.

long winded fairytale

2009-03-09T07:19:00.004+08:00

i want you to know
that i've been there before
that i've felt what you are feeling
i know the demons
that you are dealing with

i remember hiding
i remember sliding
deeper and deeper
into the darkness
and no once could harness
my anger, my lashing out

one sweet day
the sun will rise
tears will dry out
on grateful eyes
this is how we change and grow
i've been there before
just so you know

looking back i lived a lie
feelings of despair
and wanting to die
fear crept deep within
the world didnt care

my mind kept me from knowing truthfully
i knew no love for myself
if unhidden there is beauty
in the person hidden inside
in a heart there is wealth

hidden truth kept me from living
thankfully now i live
hidden truth kept me from giving
here i am, i now see
it is better to give

broken thoughts of childhood dreams
i was so broken by this walk
yet nothing is as it seems
when truth is hidden
now i live, now i talk

give yourself to the truth of you
the rest is all a lie
you are special, this is true
you are worth this life
dont let life pass you by

life goes along routinely and we seldom ever take
a moment out to contemplate the choices that we make
in fact, if you just think about your life, day in day out
you'll find you take most things for granted, there's no doubt

that is until the day arrives, that shatters sunshine bright
and tears it all to pieces as it fills our lives with fright
a phone call in the dead of night with news that's hard to bear
a child who's missing after school, you cant find anywhere

the sickness of a loved one, a heart that's in distress
the feebleness of old age making loved ones feel duress
i think perhaps the purpose of this is just to say
take time to count your blessings, for they could soon go away

dont ever take for granted, dont assume we have tomorrow
bad words between two people could forever cause them sorrow
treat everyday as though it is the last one you will know
savour every moment, reap the blessings and let them flow

* * * * *

shadows of sunrise dance across your face
as the new day begins to grow
whispers of desire fill this space
like echoes atop a winter snow

your voice greets my ears
my breath goes thin
and i fall for you
all over again

your eyes sparkle like a ring
revealed for the first time
visions of you
replay in my mind

your presence meets my eyes
my breath goes thin
and i fall for you
all over again

your heart of gold ends my rainbow
and your touch dries all my rain
like a forbidden love
to gently erase my pain

your fingertips reach mine
my breath goes thin
and i fall over you
all over again

accepting the way things have to be
could never be harder
but for you
i'd go even farther

i'd give you love
like there's no tomorrow
give you hugs
to ease your sorrow

kisses to make you melt
as we play in the rain
a touch to show
my feelings will remain

a cinderella date
on a starlit night
you're all dressed up
what a beautiful sight

your heart beats with mine
my breath goes thin
as i fall for you
all over again

how do you know the stories

2009-02-02T16:42:00.002+08:00

how do you know
what you are supposed to do
when everytime you do something
something else falls through

how do you know
what you are supposed to say
when everytime you talk
someone else gets in your way

your days are full
your nights are humble
your dreams are all the same
barely do you ever dare to mumble

nothing feels right
nothing feels good
you feel like you need to escape
but do not know if you should

you feel so alone
trapped inside a world of pain
the days drag on
but still you have no name

you bury your emotions
hide them from the rest
you do it so well
some would say you're the best

you walk down a long street
filled with darkness and shame
people watch you there
but no one knows your name

it is a secret held within you
one so dear you cannot say
a secret only you would know
to bring all to dismay

if only you could tell the world
what you really feel
then maybe they would call out to you
and they would help you to heal

but lest you walk along this path
waiting for the right time
that someone will walk up to you
and clean you of your grime

they never tell you all the stories
how love can be so cruel
it's not an easy lesson learnt
nor one they teach in school

they never tell you all the stories
how love can be so unkind
the love you let slip away
the love you never find

they never tell you all the stories
how love can be so unfair
others take all the love
while you never get your share

they never tell you all the stories
how love can be so untrue
is her love for someone else
or reserved, and just for you

they never tell you all the stories
how love can be so unwise
love can leave you so confused
between all the truth and lies

but now i've told you all the stories
and every one of them is true
but please do not give up on love
else love might just give up on you

it's not right

2009-01-26T23:52:00.002+08:00

i hate this deafening silence between us
a formidable barricade you have cast
the moments of quiet and no response
really lets me feel so insecure

keep me away
block me away
pretend i aint here
and you've got nothing to fear

another journey soon begins
but where it ends
the path is dim
through twists and bends

a glimpse is seen
of where it leads
but only with eyes so keen
and a willing heart that heeds

only in faith can one proceed
through the distant haze
with none to lead
the way through the tangled maze

many have travelled this path before
while others stood in time
frozen before the door
never to answer the chime

the distant ringing
drawing the lonely traveller near
with hypnotising singing
calming all fears

a leap of faith is all it takes
to experience it all
one move to make
and forever avoid the fall

but all too many souls
can't make the stand
to fill the empty hole
and never quite understand

the strength to grow
is deep inside
but once its found, all will know
for it, you can never hide

thus, when will i really know
will it be just an empty hole
a void i've created on my own accord
how do we tell who's at fault

perhaps i should end this futile dream
a dream that was not mine to keep
i am broken or so it seems
help me get back on my feet

addiction: neverland

2009-01-21T22:40:00.002+08:00

delve into a world no one has found
buried deeper than time or ground
vast yet empty in the eyes of society
darker than the blurred edges of reality

lay back and take me away with you
don't be afraid to step on through
close your eyes and see with your heart
things that influence beauty and inspire art

break the chains of routine
separate the man from the machine
embrace the nature of things that co-exist
to breathe in the exhilaration and bliss

opened to an exquisite new feeling
at once with the rhythm of everything
so pure it passes through the soul
tearing an ever-growing hole

losing track of time in this place
struggling to stay and savour this embrace
like hugging a close but seldom-seen friend
begging with tears for them not to leave again

all things end, eventually it'll be gone
leaving a need for more to dwell upon
suddenly the world loses its colour
cant seem to get along with one another

searching to find what no one has found
digger deeper than six feet underground
to a circle of hell that's always been there
to feed you the illusion that someone really cares

sanguinary
just like bloody mary
ethereality
its my world or is reality

you're just like my sweet addiction
not just a feeling but a sensation
one so strong i could never get enough
will it happen or be reduced to fluff

pieces

2009-01-21T19:40:00.002+08:00

check this video out, click here.

nice videography, smexy guy and hot girl lol. and the rainbow at the end is simply the best.

conversation - a lost art

2009-01-14T19:32:00.000+08:00

walk into any public place and find that conversation is becoming a lost art. examples exist everywhere that people aren't talking anymore, why? it might be that they can't hear the conversation because of the loud music playing or the televisions on the walls.

i can't come up with even a short list of places where we go to eat that doesnt have a television on with a choice of sporting events, news reports or whatever the management has decided would be good entertainment for the day. i think that we arent being allowed to sit and converse without competing with the media.

you can't make a phone call without listening to voice prompts or those kinda musci asking you to hold on. sms has taken over phone systems, email has taken away the art of making direct contact with a person.

can we not just communicate face to face, voice to voice without interruption from media sources or so-called entertainment?

there is a time and place for entertainment but first of all we must be able to communicate with each other. we arent having conversations anymore.

it's obvious that this is becoming a lost art. look at all the statistics bout family problems and you'll find that more often than not, the source was a lack of communication.

children in classrooms no longer know how to talk to their peers and work their differences out. instead we see more violence among this group. teachers don't know how to encourage communication without visual aids, or a computer. this should really be taught through conversation.

in business boardroom meetings, everybody just watches powerpoint presentations. thoughts can't be verbalised. they have to be media driven to audiences.

technology isnt evil, that's not what i'm trying to say here. it's that we are so busy with it and its heavy influence that we've stopped talking. no once has time to stop, take a call and chat. parents don't spend time talking to their children face to face about life, either that or they don't have the time to do so.

when families are home together, the buzz of noise never ceases. we no longer sit down at the table to hear about what's happening in each one's day. how many of us are guilty of having their eyes glued to the television, their music playing, their minds engrossed in the games they play and the constant interruption of phones ringing. if you have ever come across somebody who uses bluetooth you would know that you can't tell if the person is speaking to you or to the one on the other line. all of a sudden the conversation changes direction, how confusing is that?

i think i've been influenced too, i may be better off by actually TELLING this to someone else. but i've chosen to type it out here instead.

conversation. a lost art. an art i never had to begin with.

rust in this world

2009-01-09T23:26:00.000+08:00

my faith in man
has fallen as far as it can
everyone's caught up in getting ahead
saying whatever needs to be said

empty promises never intended
to be defended
stepping on toes
is all anyone knows

everyone is their own "priority one"
just like how the world revolves the sun
the only thing to contemplate
is how to better manipulate

leaving friends in the dust
bent on only lust
how did this world get so corrupt
its a wonder it's yet to erupt

so short the time
between them crimes
children forced to grow old
before a bedtime story's told

millions poor
even more wounded and sore
starving to be fed
what's going to matter when we're all dead

my hopes for good in this world have all but depleted
i'm tempted to give up, utterly defeated
put forth an effort we all must
before this world quickly turns to rust

long overdue

2008-12-28T19:03:00.001+08:00

it's getting harder and harder
just to think of you
to dream of you
don't make me the martyr
i don't believe in you
you're not my brand of god
you push and pull
your eyes so keen to see me fall

face down in the dirt
the blood is on your shirt
there's a fire in my heart
a light within the dark
and though it's stained with blood and love
it's burning fast but it i'll rise above

i will be a work of art
a sculpture that none can cut
my pulverised inverted frame
the darkest dream that ever came
i will stand on kneeling ground
i will live by death unfound
no shame in my decrepit soul
i'll walk the waning world, sin in tow

i haven't forgetten what you've done to me
the knife burns in my back
with all i've been and i've begun to see
i've lived and died alone
you killed me well
your eyes so keen before you fell

i leave a trail of idol's bones
with angels on my phone
the song of martyrs in my ears
and a bullet i've grown to fear

* * * * *

lol no structure for the above. getting rusty xD

betrayal love, complicated mirth

2008-11-16T07:03:00.004+08:00

love is sometimes a word too strong to say too early
but a feeling too beautiful to say too late

when will the cheating ever stop
when all your efforts come to naught
perhaps only when i leave
the sorrow starts to cleave

at my sorry heart
of which you were once a part
a part that i held so dear
that i almost lived in fear

fear of losing you
of how you really feel
i believed in love
my belief was not a curve

straight as an arrow
which i used to follow
i want to believe again
even if there's nothing to gain

the times we shared
when u really cared
its hard to leave behind
think i'm losing my mind

betrayal is hard to take
all it takes is one mistake
for the faith to wane
for the neverending rain

to pour in torrents such
that your eyes cant see much
what's in front of you
much less how you feel

i'm now at a loss
wondering what's the cost
if i stopped this facade
how deep would the cut, go

my side,
is it any wonder i'm tired
is it any wonder that i feel uptight
is it any wonder i don't know what's right

sometimes it's hard to know where i stand
maybe it's a puzzle i don't understand
sometimes i get the feeling that i'm stranded in the wrong time
where love is just a word in a children's rhyme

nothing left inside this bold cathedral
just the sad, lonely spires
how does one make it right
how do i to put up a brilliant fight

after the misery you have made
is it any wonder i'm afraid
is it any wonder i feel betrayed
when perhaps it is more than fate

to love is to risk not being loved in return
to hope is to risk pain
to try is to risk failure
but risk must be taken because
the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing
but should i really risk your feelings

* * * * *

have you ever been in love? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. you give them a piece of you. they didn't ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.

toxic

2008-11-12T00:43:00.002+08:00

hand in hand, heart to heart
how i wish we'll never be apart
love is a wonderful thing
that's not synonymous with a fling

life is simply a circus
with too many fools on the stage
there's greed, fear and indifference
as many hearts suffer from its rage

without love we become such fools
in a desert which has gone all dry
when the one we love ignores us
there's nothing to do but cry

the worst curse that one can endure
are those who just wish to take
when all we give is our own love
to find out we've made a mistake

of all the prizes life may bring
to be loved is by far the best
that's why so many search for it
for without love, what good is the rest?

i don't know if you're my poison or antidote
but i'll breathe you in anyway
i need your essence in my veins
to keep you from fading away

if love was just a word
if there was no meaning
what would happen to the world
if it lost all feeling

would there be music?
would there be God?
if love were just a word
would it be nothing but gawd?

what would the world be like?
what would happen if we no longer loved?

it will never happen.

sorry

2008-11-09T09:00:00.002+08:00

sorry friends. this place will be empty for awhile.

my life's too turbulent to do anything.

if only

2008-11-05T20:43:00.000+08:00

it's almost time for me to go.

i'm sorry for to the lack of updates.

all i see

2008-10-26T14:54:00.012+08:00

youre all i see =)

hehehe :D

now this should cheer you up a bit!

my personal favourites! i think its lovely

im sorry if i've said anything wrong which broke your heart >.<
but please do know, i love you no matter what.

tired

2008-10-26T02:09:00.000+08:00

i'm so sick of this. like someone said, what's the point?

rollercoaster ride

2008-10-21T06:29:00.002+08:00

that's what the past few days have been.

the meaning of life

2008-10-17T18:13:00.003+08:00

hey peeps, if you can't stand long posts then dun bother reading on haha. just wanted to find something to write about, quite random la =p

* * * * *
death comes to life when we become stagnant, not because of a car accident nor an incurable disease.

don't ever give up on truly living.

a lot of people has denounced evolution or even mocked it. i want to first start by saying evolution is real - we evolve internally as people, it's not just physical. i believe as we physically evolve, we also emotionally and intellectually evolve, sometimes even simultaneously.

i feel that all of us at some point are thrown curve balls that causes us to change so that we don't remain stagnant in our lives. the world is not THAT boring. think about it, maybe you were stagnant for a period in your life. but considering how long you have lived and probably will live, were you really stagnant? maybe you were comfortable yet consistent, but did life really stop?

my answer would have to be "no". life never really dies. life can become routine and consistent but that doesn't continue indefinitely. there isn't one person reading this that can say that their what "seemed" consistent life hasn't changed at some point. we are destined for change. i dont believe that we were put on this earth to "sulk within our comfort zones". who really does that? i mean to have a comfort zone is a blessing. it's something to be embraced and appreciated. not to look down upon and view as too much consistency in our lives resulting in becoming stagnant, but please dont stay in there for too long haha

treat it as a gift, because a life that seems so stagnant will not stay that way for too long. we are not promised tomorrow so it's best to make the best of what we have today. so if we are in a stage in our life where things are slow and consistent, thank God for that. because the inconsistencies that may come to life are not always easy to conquer and not always pleasant.

life is a test. we are often being challenged with different life lessons. it's what living is all about. these life lessons allow change. every time i'm faced with an obstacle not only do i learn from it but i evolve from that experience. how can we go thru certain things in life and NOT change? that doesn't make sense. sometimes these things force us to change whether we desire to or not.

who really goes through life in a constant comfort zone stagnant? i would say no one. if life is stagnant now, it may not be tomorrow or next week. who knows? there have been times in my life where i was in my comfort zone, but i was uncomfortable because I knew that there was more. i also knew that it wouldn't last and quite frankly i didn't want it to.

just when i think i know myself, i am thrown in a situation that shows me a new side of me, is that bad? no, I actually think that is beautiful. i know that personally i am of constant change. i used to think it was shameful to not have found myself at 24, i am now actually proud of it. how can i know myself when i know there are more things to accomplish and experience in life that may change me? all hopefully being positive, but embracing the negative too.

we do not necessarily internally die if our lives so happen to become stagnant (comfortable) at times unless we choose to stop living and never attempt to grow from that. so comfort in our consistent lives equate to it coming to a halt? no, because we are still living.

we also do not necessarily need to go out and explore other options. no, because sometimes those options present themselves to us, even forcing us in it. we can easily go with the flow of our lives and it doesnt mean because we do that it will remain consistent. God intends for us to have certain situations to invade our lives for us to learn from them and change.

how many people go through life in a "comfort zone" only for it to be taken away? i am sure many of us, if not all at some point in our lives will experience that. it is how life plays itself out. we can be comfortable with who we are and where we are going only for something to happen to change all of that. its up to us to grow from that experience but never regress.

do we need other people to inspire us? or can we grow and evolve all by ourselves? if we stopped meeting new people one day, do we stop evolving? do we just die, internally?

no, because life inspires us. people just play a part in it. i feel that internally we do grow by ourselves. people don't change us, situations do. meeting new people has nothing to with us changing. we can change just as easily with the people in our lives now. is our emotional and intellectual growth stinted? yeah i believe so. meeting new people does aid us in learning more about ourselves and our environment that surrounds us.

adam and eve just had themselves but don't think that they didn't evolve. therefore we ultimately change on our own. it proves that people can yes, inspire us but people cannot change us. our self evolution is internal and not external. i control me, not the people around me.

excitement

2008-10-15T16:59:00.005+08:00

I AM GOING TO SPEAK TO WADE ROBSON!!! lol for those who have no idea who he is, check out his webpage here.

for the lazy bums, he is superb dancer, choreographer and many more. check out his vid on youtube when he was just 8 years old dancing as michael jackson here. he has choreographed many pieces for the popular dance show, So You Think You Can Dance. click here for one of my favourites and the original version here, i prefer the original hehe. he has also won an Emmy for his choreography! this routine here is up for another Emmy nomination!

can't believe this is coming true lol. he will be coming to Singapore 31 Oct and 1 Nov for a two-day workshop which costs $200+ for 2 days and i'll get to attend them for free! muahahahah.

on a sidenote, this week seems to pass especially slow. but my birthday is coming on sunday!

MY BIRTHDAY IS 19th OCTOBER 2008, SUNDAY

hehe *hint hint* but please don't sabo me ok! =p

i think i may have just found the one for me, all i need to do now is be patient and wait, which i totally suck at. but good stuff are always worth the wait. may this be the last.

so sick

2008-10-10T13:34:00.002+08:00

lifetimes are spent in anticipation
always looking for what's around the bend
such a life can end up in frustration
if our happiness must always depend

on what's next, for if we ignore today
and all its endless possibilities
then we are throwing happiness away
how could you set your mind at ease?

each moment is an opportunity
so take in all we can of our precious life
when we greet each new day positively
we can cut through sorrow with the sharp knife
of joy and live our lifes fruitfully

if we can't appreciate life right now
we seem to lose a piece of it somehow
and right now, i'm just waiting for the kick
from the paracetanol, for i am sick

* * * * *

say hello to the little me
the one who can't reach the key
that sits on the table
but this is no childhood fable

that key opens the door to a world

a world where there is no despair
a world none other can compare
so lift me above this raging sea of tears
show me not a diamond but a pearl

a sigh i heave
i need to breathe
set me somewhere within your line of sight
and keep me real close to your light

this unexplainable fear of the dark
has left on me a wretched mark
but if you could start a spark
right now together we'll embark

to this different place
where we would live with grace
not even leaving a proper trace
and we would leave with no disgrace

can you stay with me forever?
and not leave me whatsoever?

we could live by the ocean
we could live in slow motion
we might become a mystery
a small part of history

so this is my plea
reach out for the key

open the door

and let's go.

* * * * *

my own personal...

2008-10-05T12:16:00.004+08:00

you know the words i have to say
you are my own personal day
you make everything here seem right
you are my own personal night

every wish i've had you have done
you are my own personal sun
you make me happy morn, night and noon
you are my own personal moon

you control the heart inside of me
you are my own personal sea
you make me smile and heave a sigh
you are my own personal sky

you make all in the world fair
you are my own personal air
you make the world nice to live in
you are my own personal wind

you make everything right that's wrong
you are my own personal song
you make me float above the nocturnal arc
you are my own personal Bach

you are my day, my night, my sea, my sky
my sun, my moon, my song but why?
you are my life, my all - that's why
so take my hand and don't be shy

we'll skirt the universe with love
and fly to places high above
so please stay here and be my lark
you are my song, my personal Bach

snow patrol - chasing cars

2008-10-05T12:05:00.004+08:00

we'll do it all
everything
on our own

we don't need
anything
or anyone

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

i don't quite know
how to say
how i feel

those three words
are said too much
they're not enough

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden
that's bursting into life

let's waste time
chasing cars
around our heads

i need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden
that's bursting into life

all that i am
all that i ever was
is here in your perfect eyes
they're all i can see

i don't know where
confused about how as well
just know that these things
will never change for us at all

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

end of the line.

2008-09-29T13:08:00.005+08:00

what a busy week.. sorry for the hiatus guys. am back now, alive and kicking ~~- or am i?~~ i gotta be strong and hold these tears back.
"Beautiful" is what you are,
those who wanna know the result of the fiasco, here it is. i paid them another $35, so meaning i got the $15 they collected = $400 rental, no more no less. ~~but they still have not fixed the damn heater.~~ not helping, but i can't breakdown in the office.
"And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" - for real?
i had actually written another piece meant to posted up by last friday, but time was really too tight. due to the sequences of events, ~~i'm replacing it with another one.~~ it's too late, i'm weak.
"I Could Get Used To This", maybe, hopefully.
somehow it seems like the songs i received tell a story.

ever realised when people tell you they've signed on the dotted line as they get married, a dotted line is a broken line? i don't know, go figure.

* * * * *

i know i cant express
this feeling of tenderness
there's so much i wanna say
but the right words just dont come my way
i just know when i'm in your embrace
this world is a happy place

* * * * *

need... more and more
tainted misery
bleed... battle scars
chemical affinity

reign... legacy
innocence corrode
stain... rot away
catatonic overload

bloodline... redefine
death contagious deity
scorch... kill the light
nothing but a fallacy

choke... asphyxia
snuff reality
reaper... butchery
karma amputee

new consequence machine
you burn through all your gasoline
asylum overtime
nevermind...
you've reached the end of the line

time... choke the clock
steal another day
die... faithfully
narcissistic fade away

dead hourglass of time
spilt sand we will never find
we gather here today and say goodbye
cause i've reached the end of the line

twisted... jump the rail
shatter the crowd below
breaker... chase the ghost
from latest high to all-time low

well its alright, riding around in the breeze
well its alright, if you live the life you please
well its alright, doing the best you can
well its alright, as long as you lend a hand

you can sit around and wait for the phone to ring
waiting for someone to tell you everything
sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring
maybe a pill or a diamond ring

well its alright, even if they say you're wrong
well its alright, sometimes you gotta be strong
well its alright, as long as you got somewhere to lay
well its alright, everyday is judgement day

maybe somewhere down the road aways
you'll think of me, and wonder where I am these days
maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays
purple haze

well its alright, even when push comes to shove
well its alright, if you got someone to love
well its alright, everything will work out fine
well its alright, we're going to the end of the line

don't have to be ashamed of the car I don't drive
i'm just glad to be here, happy to be alive
it don't matter; if you're by my side
i'm satisfied

well its alright, even if you're old and grey
well its alright, you still got something to say
well its alright, remember to live and let live
well its alright, the best you can do is forgive

well its alright, riding around in the breeze
well its alright, if you live the life you please
well its alright, even if the sun dont shine
well its alright, we're going to the end of the line

* * * * *
~~or maybe i havent blogged because i was happy enough not to.~~

bitch-fit

2008-09-19T14:47:00.005+08:00

ok this post i'm about to make may get me sued or get the blog closed down but i don't give a damn.

~~fuck malays, fuck muslim, fuck islam, fuck allah, fuck mecca, fuck all things with a songkok/tudung. love pork, roast pork especially.~~

ok why the sudden outburst? for those who know, i rented a room outside to stay at 400 per month. there was this time my friend came over to bathe so the fucking landlord asked me to pay $15 for that, wtf? go swimming pool bathe $5 still can buy a plate of bee hoon lo.

ok nvm, $15 small money give them la. a few weeks ago the heater was spoilt again. it was initially spoilt when i moved in and they repaired it after i came (like after 3 weeks?) so i was bathing in cold water before that. so this month's rental i paid them 350, 50 for the electricity i didnt get to use. the fucking idiot then said i make the heater spoilt?! and say i spoilt the heater they never ask me pay good enough alr. wth, i didnt even touch it after they repaired? i mean, the power switch was left on and each time i went to bathe all i did was to turn the knob? lidat can spoil?

and they say i "use electricity very high". high lampa la. i use fan, light and charge hp - lidat will high ah? summore most of the days i not at home, at home also for like 8 hours only a day (to sleep).

i shoot them back then they say "pls i not blaim u ok" LOL telekom, telefone ah? stupid idiot duno how to spell. not "blaim" me then what? try to be indian and make roti prata ah? try harder ok. then they say i got no right to deduct 50 from the rent. why no right? your heater spoil i cannot use the electricity leh bodoh.

"i let u rent $400 is very cheap already" if you think too little then that time still rent it out? nobody take one pig to your house and force you what!

fucking retards.

i took the following from wikipedia.

"This day have I perfected your religion for you, completed My favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion."
revelation of verse 3 of Surah al-Maeda (whatever the fuck that is)

perfect religion my ass. there's no such thing as a perfect religion unless your religion is utopia-ism.

"The Qur'an describes many Biblical prophets and messengers as Muslim: Adam, Noah (Arabic: Nuh), Moses (Arabic: Mūsā) and Jesus (Arabic: ˤĪsā) and his apostles. The Qur'ān states that these men were Muslims because they submitted to God, preached his message and upheld his values. "

wa so means what, submit to God = you're a muslim ah? lidat the whole world die, might as well kill all the pigs in the world, luckily i'm a cow. then what? jesus also muslim ah, brown colour jesus, never see before leh. he's only brown in the shroud of turin and even then it has not been scientifically proven that the shroud is authentic due to mistakes in carbon 14 radioactive dating.
"Currently, the number of Muslims is estimated to be 1.3 billion"

sia la, same as china's population lol imagine the whole china all muslim LOL

yaya in case i still haven made my point clear, my landlord's malay. zzz

hung out to dry

2008-09-16T14:44:00.008+08:00

silent screams, echoes of fright
empty voices fill the night
all around i hear the cries
of tormented souls with sightless eyes
lost and forlorn, never to be free
spirits of the damned call out to me

when they talk to me, they tell me so
that it's time to leave, it's time to let go
these voices i hear, these silent screams
cry out that life is not all it seems
we have one chance in hell to do this right
else we'll just be screams lost in the night

too many sins committed
too many to be counted
wash me up and let me fly
to later hang me out and dry

but before that,

think of the things that go through our mind
make a good rummage, what would we find
bits of love and broken hearts
memories of romance fallen apart

a shard of pain, pieces of regret
snapshots of faces, people we have met
a hint of kiss from our very first date
the moments we cherish, the feelings of hate

emotions are scattered, they litter our minds
a mess in our heads, for us later to find
the times spent with loved ones, that give us such pleasure
are balanced by teardrops, still moments to treasure

all these memories of various kinds
are safely secured by doors of our mind
hard to forget no matter how hard we try
so just hang us up and spin us dry

a million hearts have touched me
a million arms embraced
a million tears have fallen
for the millions i have met

i look into the mirror
see the child and not the man
one who gets lonely and scared
not knowing who i am

lost am i in this world
but one i've made myself
following the footsteps of many
where love drugs and wealth

has become a poison
that runs right through my veins
but i cannot point the finger
for there is no one else to blame

will this nightmare never end
with want i have to try
to save the man inside of me
so hang me out to dry

maybe one day i will master
of being happy instead of sad
let the mask fall from my face
and contemplate all i never had

* * * * *
cleanse me of my sins, make me ready for the one.
i'm 23 now but will i live to see 24
the way things are going now, i duno.

the musical mirrors

2008-09-11T15:48:00.006+08:00

~~sometimes~~ i really wonder what are we to make of this life that has been given to us. what do we make of it? study, work, die. why give us all the opportunities for emotion when we are meant to die at the end of it all? all good things come to an end but why should it be when they are good? we are nothing but pieces in a game, throw of dice - make your move and our fate we must accept. but who throws these dice?

urgh, uber random. just feeling slightly emo. i need my own personal space, need a break from everything but i cant and i won't get it.

anybody knows of a place where i can sit in serenity? anybody wants to go with me? =p

the mask is hard to remove because it has been there for many years now. i try to look happy for those around me, i try to not affect their mood with my own. that's the reason why i'm crappy like i am at times.

enough.

even number of chairs
odd man out
not a game to share
always leaving somebody out

music starts, move around
find your chair at the end of the sound
music stops, take your seat
do not be caught on your feet

the search begins
find yourself a place
this game excludes
there's no time to waste

when the search has ended
have you found your chair?
acceptance and good friends
are so very rare

a new game has begun
music starts
music stops
everyone gets a chair except for the exiled one

he is cast away
for he has no chair
a thing commonly done
in a world cruel and unfair

he walks away
without a chance given
he walks alone
without a reason for living

the years have passed so fast
it seems like only yesterday
so many memories in the past
as a child when i would play

i had the world before me
and so much time to grow
so many things that i'd be
but how was i to know

we search our lives for gold
we seek it high and low
but we cant elude growing old
there is nowhere to go

time is our true treasure
cherish it to the end
derive from it the pleasure
allow time to be your friend

the next time you see me
i'll be a different man
it might confuse you at first
but in time you'll understand

i'll be a better person
i'll be nice to everyone
i'll help those in need
and i'll do it all as fun

i'll change for the better
the way most people should
i'll change for me and everyone else
and how they all wish they could

only the results of my choice
can affect my life to come
without a sound from my voice
i'll appreciate each last crumb

i won't take advantage
of anyone or anything
and i won't become
another broken wing

you must respect everyone
for they are people too
they too struggle with life
some worse than you

with one deep breath
and a slow blink of my eyes
i stare deeply into my soul
and then i realise

the next time u see me
i'll be a different man
i'll be greater than ever imagined
and i'll say this is how it all began

so i turned from the mirror
and walked away with a smile
for the journey i'm about to take
is sure to be worthwhile

fuck i should stop talking to myself, shut up cow.

i feel like stopping. in fact i don't like what i'm writing more and more.

the god(dess) has spoken

2008-09-09T16:34:00.003+08:00

this is what i heard from the up above - thanks for the mail =)

Travelling through this shifting sands,
I told myself, I’d have plans.
Slogged hard in my pants,
But nobody gave me a chance.

I want to take off this mask,
I want to gain your trust.
In happiness I would bask,
But I fret about my past.

Look here, I care for you.
I hope you know tis’ true.
It sucks to see you blue,
Don’t be a man of somber hue.

This world is but a passing phase,
Soon we’ll all be out of this maze.
Where we will stand amazed,
In the presence of His face.

Till then, I’ll proudly say in the light,
“I have fought a good fight,
I have finished the race,
I have kept the faith.”

* * * * *

this is what i have in return for her.

who cannot see on a blustery day
a colourful kite on a background of grey
displayed in the heavens on a thin piece of wire
as the wind pushes on it goes higher and higher

a lesson to learn from this, such a price
i see in my mind as i glance the skies
a lesson i feel in my heart now for two
as this little kite depicts me and you

the kite is the friendship we two share
the words we exchange like wind in the air
if these words were not spoken, we should fear
our friendship would vanish, our kite disappear

so please don't worry that your words were too strong
between us they are and there they belong
for now they have cleared the haze from the air
and ours clearly seen, is the highest kite there

chatting, laughing and the games we play
you make it a worthwhile day
it seems so silly on just a machine
how someone can reach you and make you forget everything

* * * * *

this is for the rest of my friends in case they get jealous lolololol

my beloved ones,
when i leave, do not grieve over me
once released of its cage
my spirit will be in all that you see
the wind that touches your skin

the sun that warms your hearts
the sea with its waves rolling endlessly
the fertile earth where all life starts
the moon and stars that guide you in the dark

more than that, my dears
you'll find little pieces of me in my works
that showed all my hopes and fears
my paintings in their colourful hues

but even more so i am to be found
in the hearts of all the lives i touched upon
where my seeds of love grew safe and sound
developing into beautiful strong trees

trees bringing forth seeds, that will allow the message of friendship and love to be spread eternally.

inspiration-less

2008-09-08T18:22:00.002+08:00

hmm cant squeeze anything decent out. tml then try again hehe i owe somebody something - tml it shall be @#$!@! sorry huh, jus cant find words enough =p

so.... i'll make a complete post tml ^_^

anyway, frens i have an announcement to make! MY PHONE IS SPOILT!!! I CAN'T FRIGGIN SMS!!! so anything please call me!! i can't reply any sms!! STUPID PHONE!! @#$#@$!$

so dun go thinking i ignore u all ok, i can't reply =p

the twisted mind

2008-09-06T01:06:00.004+08:00

spider, spider, web must be done
spider, spider, almost done
spider, spider, only one
spider spider, web is done

yes, yes, i'll get paid
yes, yes, wages paid
yes, yes, fortune made
all gone now when rent is paid

life, life, must you hurt
life, life, you must hurt
life, life, stop and spurt
life, life, oh such hurt

it all ends in a single moment
the whole world pays for atonement
excruciating pain and then we're free
and back comes the mediterranean sea

wings rip out from my back
there is no real need for tact
true bodies come at a hefty price
but not money or anything nice

we all wear an atrocious mask
to accomplish each tiny little task
we hide the truth beneath the lies
but it can be seen within our eyes

in my life i've come to see
that this is just false reality
sugar coated half truths
make up a living noose

calling others pagans but i am really so much more
i am alien to the core
i am hidden now because of what i feel
my subtle fear grew and grew

fearing what i dont understand
hidden is how i'm forced to walk this land
soul beneath a human face
this body i long to erase

you say you're sweet, you say u're kind
buy by malicious cruelty through time you are truly defined
paralyzing fear breeds blind hatred
chaining me to a blood drenched bed

someday i'll look into the mirror and smile at what i've become, just not today
someday i'll be surrounded by my closest friends all chummy, just not today
someday my nephew will look into my eyes and not see the shame 1 feel for a life i've wasted, just not today
someday i'll look into my mother's eyes and see the pride she feels for me, just not today

someday a lady will see me for who i truly am on the inside and love me forever because of it, just not today
someday i'll forgive myself for all the mistakes i've made, just not today
someday i'll look back on all that i've accomplished and think to myself "i've done well", just not today
someday i'll wake up with a clear conscience, just not today

someday i'll be able to talk to god without guilt, just not today
someday i'll stop pretending to be stronger than i really am, just not today
someday i'll not hate myself for my own foolish weaknesses, just not today
someday i'll have a perfect life and everything will be alright, just not today

maybe someday i'll stop lying to myself, just not today.

* * * * *

it seems like my mind thinks "better" when i'm tired? idk, falling sick or i think i'm already sick. this sucks. helppppppppppp. there is but just a small glimmer of hope left, i shall persevere. go cow.

who am i kidding lololol, i'm just not cut out for this

no apologies

2008-09-01T17:58:00.004+08:00

alamak i blog halfway knock off already. lol tml i come back continue =)

* * * * *

haha i'm back as promised =)

in my mind i'm a fighter, my heart's a lighter
my soul is the fluid, my flow sparks it brighter
but arsenic writer, often with arthritis
stuck in the tunnel, starting to shit this

hard headed and hot headed, bull headed and pig headed
dick headed a brick, a big headache i'm sick
quick with it for every word to spit
there are always people in the wings for me to slip with it

so quit this dynamite stick, bury the wick
its gonna explode any minute, someone will tick
lit it and it's not heavy, do not tell me to stop yelling
when i stop selling i'll quit so, stop dwelling

i am not failing, you fuckers are not ready
cos i got jelly, like jizzin' on your pot belly
this is destiny, yes money, i'm off running, so get off of me
i'm not slowing or softening

my head hits the pillow, a weeping willow
i cant sleep, a pain so deep it bellows
but these cellos, help just to keep me mellow
hands on my heads, touch knees to elbows

i'm hunched over, emotion just flows over
these cold shoulders are both frozen, you dont know me
i keep saying it, i cant stress it enough
so keep saying it and stand next to the pubs

these real words got you feeling me
whether willing or unwillingly, you still agree
as long as there's still this hunger, will in me
then expect a longer life expectancy

i'd be a savage beast
if i didnt had this outlet to salvage me
inside, i'd be exploding soaked in self loathing
an mourning so i'm warning you don't coax me

it's silly, but really its sheep in wolves clothing
who only reacts when he gets pushed dont we
fool, strangers blow up this whole thing
it's stupid, they don't know cos they don't see

that i'm wounded, all they did was ballooned it
i'm sick of talking bout these issues like i did
thats why i turned it out, i'm duking
they can suck my dick while i'm puking, and you too you can

expect no sympathy from me
this is how i'm supposed to be
cold as liquid nitro, my heart's frozen it dont even beat
so expect no apologies

no apologies, nah suckers i'm not sorry
you can all sue me, y'all could be the cause of me
no apologies, y'all feeling the force of me
no remorse for me, like there was no recourse for me

no apologies, not even acknowledging you at all
till i get a call that God's coming
no apologies, laugh fuckers its all funny
i could spit in your face while you're standing across from me

no apologies

the friend that was never one

2008-08-29T15:52:00.002+08:00

in that forgotten part of town
where wasted hopes and dreams abound
a wrinkled man with life near end
in hopes to have at least one friend
fashioned bits of wood and things
and made a dummy run by strings

he sat alone for hours on end
conversing with his only friend
and found delight within the fact
that he controlled it's very act
he told it how he never had
a chance, since all his luck was bad
although he tried so to succeed
the friend nodded and agreed

and how his journeys in romance
had never given him a chance
and wasnt it a crying shame
that he was always held to blame
when everyone knew oh so well
that life is but a living hell
controlled by lust, power and greed
the friend nodded and agreed

with patience that would rival saints
that friend sat through all complaints
and with each little expert tug
he'd drop his head, bow or shrug
and give some comfort to the man
who held his lifelines in his hand
and helped to fill a lonely need
when he just nodded and agreed

senility increased with time
as did the old man's phantomime
and feverish fingers pulled with glee
the dummy's dance of misery
they never left each other's side
until the day both stopped and died
we found them lying hand in hand
the dummy and his wooden friend

dedicated to touran and all those out there who had friends not worth

* * * * *

fuzzy fuzzy

2008-08-25T16:26:00.004+08:00

to be or not to be, that is the question.

have you wondered that your life was so wretched that complete non-existence would in fact be preferable? now if suicide actually offered us this choice, "to be or not to be" lies before us in the full sense of the words. it could be chosen unconditionally as a highly desirable termination. there is something in us however, which tells us that this is not so, this is not the end of things, that death is not an absolute annihilation. so do you know what is your that something?

take arms against an irresistable sea of troubles
watch your strength fade amongst the bubbles
troubles resisted rather than borne will destroy us
take them in your stride and stand fast

conscience does make cowards of us all
stand up to it or we'll fall
dreading fires of hell after death
a set of halo you'll never have

ever felt life was full of contradictions? there are always 2 sides to a coin, and one of which we always fail to see because its faced down. for example, imagine if you crashed your car and got into a bad accident. it'd make you feel bad. but now think, the fact that you met the woman of your life by crashing your car against hers makes you feel good. so it'd be perfectly normal to say that you feel both good and bad. but you would say that you felt more goodness than badness, so let's agree that there are different degrees for feeling good and bad, different degrees for truth and lies. we're talking fuzzy here. the same applies for existence of psychic powers, aliens and magic - you can't prove their existence rationally nor can you prove their non-existence. but some people believe in them and you can't say that they are wrong because you can't prove their non-existence! so we could perhaps say that your computer has a higher degree of existence than say, those little green men from mars. we can't prove the existence or non-existence of both but most people (imo) would believe in the existence of your computer rather than the little green men.

any system would be unable to prove its validity by itself. this can be seen as trying to prove maths with maths. you need a starting point or else all your definitions will become recursive. then again, how can you prove the validity of the starting point? what i'm trying to say is that we can't prove ourselves rationally. it is up to others.

for example, i can believe that a woman isn't wearing any underwear (and there's only one way to prove it hahahhaha). you can believe that an alien visited me last afternoon for lunch and gave me funny stuff. someone can believe in god and there is no way that you can prove him it's non existence with reasons, and the opposite for a non-believer. i believe that i am sitting in a chair, but i can't prove that my senses don't fool me. i also believe i exist, but i can't prove it. maybe i'm just a replica and my memories were implanted yesterday, and before I didn't existed. maybe i'm Hitler's clone, but no one has told me about it yet. this last two i don't believe, but i can't prove their falseness. so, we can't prove all these, and i can only believe in them. this could mean that faith (not religious), but the part of our minds which does the believing is a starting point. well, it is clear that i can't prove this faith.. we could say that we have to believe that our reason is correct to then reason.

i believe, therefore i think, therefore i am.

life is full of choices everyday. make them worthwhile.

back to where i was, if you chose "to be" - between the devil and the deep blue sea, which would you chose?

much awaited

2008-08-24T16:30:00.005+08:00

devils and saints alike
will die before the end
we laugh, we cry, we post online
till life from limb time does rend

tears and kisses
are naught but letters
the monitor is formidable
online we live and away you can cast
the awkward smiles behind the omnipresent mask

my life is but a joke (or is it?)
on the ground i lay broke
wings i seem to have lost
withering in the frost
under Your command i lie
waiting for the day i die

and the humming
the rocking and strumming
the singing of something
insomniac's blurring
visionary's glowing
discordian portals growing

high on life
abstain from the knife
have a smoke
be a rogue

what proof do i need
to show that i exist
amongst all your pretentious entities
and your mundane daily trysts

i walk among you
a fledgling of this state
i'm not tied to your small mistakes
for my mother's name is fate

i have naught to show
such things are left to bleed
dying as it exits a hollow shell
i reveal how much i really need

specters now i see
in reflections of my eyes
barricaded cries which yearn for ears
to break this final painful guise

content i'll now be
this snide, dejected wraith
oblivious to all my pain
i'm burdened to my faith

you don't need to see
to prove that i exist
my existence does not concern you
nor do my bleeding wrists

this i have to show
no diminutive repute
my self confidence speaks of who i am
what a pity that its mute

* * * * *
hoho first one for this skin! =)

complete

2008-08-21T17:11:00.001+08:00

it's all done! woohoo! now that i look at it, i think it looks damn messy hahaha all the things all over the place but i don't give a damn hahah.

gonna write something to replace all these nonsensical posts that i've been putting up =p

hang on yea? =)

new skin

2008-08-20T19:34:00.001+08:00

some feedback please hehe, still a few more little things here and there to touch up, so this aint the finished work =)

aquaman!

2008-08-18T13:53:00.003+08:00

lol i just read that michael phelps has got 8 gold medals in this year's olympics - a gold for every event he took part in, breaking mark spitz's record set in 1972 (he won 7 golds then).

i then began to think, "he is kinda like a fish aint he?" since "The Dark Knight" has broken so many boxoffice records, other comic book hero movies such as "Iron Man", "Incredible Hulk", "Spiderman", "Hellboy" and "X-Men" etc all did reasonably well, i'm sure Hollywood will keep making this kinda movies till they all become "Batman and Robin" or "Catwoman".

as "The Dark Knight", "Iron Man", and "Incredible Hulk" receives not just great financial returns but also critical claims, one of the reasons is that they hire some real actors to lead the movies rather just some pretty boys. however, whether the movie is good or not, the CG is fantastic or not, that's up to the people behind to pull the strings - a leading man must fit the role. michael phelps, the new olympic legend, has a good look and a fantastic body, whether he can act or not...that's not something I know, but I think he definitely fits the role of "Aquaman". he can swim, man CAN HE SWIM OR WHAT. well, the diving part... CG can help... but with him leading the role, I'm sure that is a great marketing scheme. will u go to see him as Aquaman? i will!

Michael Phelps as Aquaman - go Hollywood! (maybe i should bring this up to them and get some ideas fee lol)

peek-a-boo

2008-08-17T21:07:00.002+08:00

it's long over but maybe i'm jealous/envious/covetus/green-eyed how easily/quickly you've moved. that state which we ended, those terms. i'm still bitter. because of those sacrifices, how i tried to change myself. i'm incoherent now i know. stop talking to yourself! urgh, its not working because if it did, it'd mean the end of the blog.

i know i'm beating around the bush. i just want to say one thing, this one thing and get it off my chest,

you've proved me right when i called you a slut

those words must hurt i know, which is why they came out in the first place. other than that, y'all have no reason to know why but believe, i have my reasons for saying stuff like that.

what fallacy.

shades of timeless gray

2008-08-15T16:47:00.002+08:00

this was done actually writing on a piece of paper beforehand, kinda occupied me for the afternoon at least. i'm beginning to wonder if i should dig out what i wrote in the past haha anyhow, here it is - ladies and gentlemen, i hope you like it =)

at this time
in this place
run the race

out of time
cannot hide
haunting thoughts

plague my mind
see the signs
age unkind

no one's safe
bitter taste
daunting pace

on my heels
thrilled by chills
bleeding quill

borrowed time
life sublime
mortal's crime

death so real
start to peel
see me kneel

hollowed ground
make no sound
it'll turn round

time has come
see me run
furtively towards the sun

alone again
another night
no thoughts nor memories
no sweet words or pleasantries

this optimistic face
paints a false picture
this smiling face
is no permanent fixture
solitude births the man behind the mask
tired of this daunting task
of appearing happy... alone

in my dreams
i find the source of all my destitution
my soul has had it's fill of prostitution
the dawn brings no relief from scorn or shame
for it's just another day alone again

it should have been different this time
but as before, life goes astray
never black or white but an erratic shade of gray

played the part
nobody could recognise
lost all identity
but its no surprise

it's hard to play the part
this hypothetical role
when all there is is a body
a body without a soul

my lies were the burden i had to bear
like Christ and his cross
it was the crown of thorns i had to wear
when of love and life i had lost

i was hung for the perfect show
betrayal was my daily bread
crying for the life i used to know
has again left myself for dead

* * * * *

oh i'm still working on the new skin so gimme some time yea, highly likely to be some vampirish skin because of the influence i'm getting from reading this new book >.<

quirks

2008-08-14T14:30:00.002+08:00

ok basically i've been "tagged" to play this game (which is not fun at all) to list out 6 of my idiosyncrasies. i duno i may have more than 6, i'll just list them anyway and dun worry, i'm not gonna play tag.

1) i like to correct other people's english, be it written or spoken
2) when typing, i always press "space" twice after a fullstop and only once after a comma
3) i'm never satisfied by just pressing the button at the traffic light once, press more times then the thing will know i'm in a hurry what
4) when i go out everything must be in the same pockets e.g. cigarettes, keys in left, phone in right, wallet at back, but everything comes out onto the desk when i reach the office
5) i will often not click on the first search result that comes out on google, until i've checked through some of the rest
6) toilet rolls must roll outwards, not inwards
7) i will have an urge to straighten out crooked stuff like picture frames
8) i always wet my toothbrush before i put the tooth paste on it

okay so i got eight. i'm pretty sure there's more but this is all i can come up with at the moment. anyway since i'm on this topic might as well let y'all in on something

9 brain quirks you didnt realise you had

1) our short-term memory has a max capacity of seven
humans have 3 forms of memory: sensory, long-term and short-term. long-term memory is like hard-drive space, while short-term memory works like a very small RAM. this short-term memory can hold only about five to nine (average is seven) items at a time. remembering information longer than this requires you to either compress it down into seven units or store it in long-term memory. this is why last time phone numbers were only seven digits. it's eight now cos not enough numbers to use lol

2) yellow-green is the most visible color
yellow-green sits right in the middle of the frequencies of visible light. our eyes have receptors for blue, green and red. being in the middle, yellow-green is the one most noticeable and not red like many of us think it is

3) our subconscious is smarter than we are
or at least more powerful. in one study, a square was assigned to a location on a computer screen through a complex pattern. after watching it, people began to get results better than chance of picking out where the square would pop up next. but when asked to consciously determine the pattern, even given a few hours, very few could do it

4) we have two nervous systems
one set controls excitation and the other controls inhibition. if you hold out your hand, you might notice minor tremors. this is caused by slight, random differences in the amount each of the two systems are firing and not because u're suffering from alzheimers' =p

5) our brain is awful at probability
maybe your maths teacher have told you this. what’s interesting isn’t that your brain is bad at probability, but how. it seems our minds like to think more details make events more probable, not less. think it through

6) our memory isn’t great either
studies have shown that people are highly likely to misremember past events. even worse, it is incredibly easy to suggest a memory that never happened. this is why so-called “repressed” memories should be given a lot of thought. it is far easier to suggest a memory of an event never happened, then it is to recover one that actually did. so the next time you get drunk, things that you think happened, they did - no need for further thought

7) we can perceive depth with one eye
it’s a myth that depth perception is entirely the result of having two eyes. binocular vision does assist in making a 3D picture. however, most of our ability to perceive depth comes from inside our brain. it has been wired to look at angles and proportions to judge distance. if we required two eyes to perceive depth then most optical illusions wouldn’t work and it would be incredibly difficult to gather information from flat photographs. not to mention a lot more one-eyed pirates walking overboard - there goes captain hook

8) long-term memory shuts down during sleep
the parts of the brain that transfer information to long-term memory shut down while sleeping. this is why dreams quickly fade away after you wake up. although you may have several dreams in a night, they aren’t being recorded into long-term memory. only the fragments of a dream left in short-term memory have a chance to be encoded after you wake up so now you know why you usually only remember dreams that happened closer to the time you actually wake up

9) we have an instant playback feature
i mentioned that humans have 3 forms of memory, short-term, long-term and sensory. sensory memory is our brain’s equivalent to an instant playback feature. imagine being at a gathering and overhearing someone say your name. often you can recall what they said even though you were focused on another conversation. this is because your sensory memory re-sends the signals when it finds something important, such as your name. if you lacked this form of memory, activities such as multitasking or taking notes from a lecturer would be impossible. if you’re asked to repeat something you just said because the other person wasn’t listening, just wait a few seconds. often they can replay the message in their head and give a response. so for those who can't multitask, your brain is definitely short of something

* * * * *

this post took longer than it should because of multiple msn conversations =p, and i said being sick stinks because idk for what reason, my fart stinks - maybe its cos of the medicine LOL

down with the syndrome

2008-08-14T10:42:00.000+08:00

fever

urgh it stinks.

candlelight

2008-08-11T17:57:00.002+08:00

this single flame
biting through darkness
to light my way, sane
home

hope
there is no other word i will hear
fuck desolation, desperation and isolation
i am still here

my little flame guides me like a flare
towards the dawn of doves
no matter what awaits me there
for i know only one truth - love

cold seeps into my bones
and all time slows, my abomination
gone are dreams and metronomes
all that's left is this grim determination

i can get there by candlelight
drag my feet through the darkness
as it spreads up and over me, taking flight
i don't mind for
i'm going home

* * * * *

i write so much but who appreciates? who understands? sorry just ranting >.<
standby for the new blogskin since it seems like alot of people don't really like this haha, will miss it though - i've used it for at least a year.

oh and i got my fedora - $15, cheap! ^_^v

if only

2008-08-08T16:41:00.002+08:00

"If only. Those must be the saddest two words in the world." - Mercedes Lackey.

how many times have you said "aiya if only i knew, (insert action)" in your life?
think it's enough to generate lotsa thoughts for everyone.

people are starting to call me pessimistic *coughs, you know who you are*, so let's bring on a little bit of optimism, not those happy pinky bubbly ones though.

we only live once, live your life without regrets. i would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if i'd just been myself.

when one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

okay enough from me, kinda in a brain jam already.

P.S.: COMMENTS PLEASE!!! should i change my blogskin? LOL

woohoo

2008-08-07T17:37:00.002+08:00

my blog has a new music player sharing songs that i like =) total playlist has 50 songs so should have enough for u all to listen ^_^v

i just got a new haircut too whooping 240 bucks zomg, look damn nerdy now - hopefully its worth it haha

i wanna get a fedora >.<

yea the bimbotic side of me =p

lost

2008-08-06T15:07:00.002+08:00

adrift on a sea of hopes and prayers
lost on the waves, i cry to deaf ears
the irony of this is i set sail on purpose
my soul was the sail of my salty tears

nobody sees me
nobody cares

the tunnel is black and its creatures foul
screeching out loud hear their howls
no light at the end
no god to attend
just a mangy dog to share his fleas
make me twitch and hear my pleas

i cry and feed the angry sea
drawing jagged lines across my flesh
the red wells up, liquid and glistening
it doesnt matter, nobody's listening

hitching breaths that will not die
i persist but i don't know why
i am i and nothing is for me to say
maybe it was not to be this way
drift away, far away - life isn't fair

nobody sees me
nobody cares

* * * * *

perhaps i should just stop day-dreaming.
i went round so many of my friends' blogs like most of them are talking about relationships about love.
IMO, the first relationship that you get into is the one that gets you into deep shit. you will inadvertently split up (tell me how many of you are still with your first boy/girlfriend). you get this empty void in your heart that is empty - a place where he/she used to occupy. you look for another to occupy that place and the whole process repeats.

people these days start dating at such young ages - i mean wtf, your first boyfriend/girlfriend at 13/14? i was still learning what masturbation was all about. zzz do they really understand what love is about? can they really picture themselves spending the rest of their lives with that guy/girl? even at 23/24 i still can't really fathom or grasp a rough idea of it. once it starts to hit a year or so, is it really still love or is it just comfort zone? grey area huh?

why do people fall in love? why do i fall in love? seriously i duno why. sick and tired of relationships. one fails after another. so many wasted years thinking something good will come out of it. but at the pace life is going now, one cannot really take their time to evaluate the other partner. its like a mega sale - first come first serve. miss it and its gone but if u take it, it may just be another rotten fish out there in the ocean.

"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved before" - i beg to differ.

why do people fall in love? don't we know love is full of dangers?
letting loose our foolish hearts in this world of perfect strangers
maybe this time you will find that the moon will treat you kinder

love is needing to belong right or wrong, when you feel the fire
love is living in mid-air young and rare, on a sky-high wire
hoping this time it will last, you feel your heart beat faster

taking chances you would never take
when wide awake, you risk it all
half afraid that your heart will break
you close your eyes and simply fall

why do people fall in love? are we fools with no hope of winning?
or perhaps we always see one last chance for a new beginning
holding on and letting go but never really knowing
well i guess afterall that's the reason people fall in love

dreams are made of these

2008-07-27T18:21:00.001+08:00

(song by ian van dahl)
do you ever question your life?
do you ever wonder why?
do you ever see in your dreams?
all the castles in the sky?

please tell me why
do we build castles in the sky?
oh tell me why
all the castles way up high..

and the writing starts, be prepared..

last night i dreamt of death's peerless beauty
so perfect it was in obscurity
my soul's fairy come to steal me away
a beautiful executioner to silence my screams
for the price of lucent dreams

she smiled at me
a lure any fish would envy
its seduction is effortless
as she has also been to the deepest parts of the abyss
the aberrant charm it portrays
producing a deadly fascination for its prey

those eyes, flat and black
mirrors that refuse to reflect
dead as doll's eyes
hypnotize

bruised sky
brooding over the sun's punishment
and subsequent abandonment
dead leaves rattle
influx of invisible particles
coalesce

death was just your evolution
fairytale monster
apocalypse is your name
undo all who fall under your long shadow

i chased a white rabbit
and found myself falling
down, down, down
the illusion dissolved
ethereal demon with the stygian gaze
lambent, merciless, cannibalistic
erotic, carnal, sadistic
the mysteries are no riddle to you, immortal

i am but a marionette under that force
a glimmer, tiny, golden key
perfect fit but for a fee
drink me -upon a shady reunion
paled upon teeth sharp as gridiron
beautiful...too beautiful to be anything but a monster
oxymorons forever

fat, red droplets like rubies
scar his white kid gloves
shutting up like a telescope - what a curious feeling
sanguine visions
i am reeling
crushing fear, buzzing in my ear
or is it her voice
that voice
deep yet silky
lulling
sinfully narcotic

looking for the white kid gloves in vain
he purrs as he drinks,
a drowning sound
the slow corrosion of my beliefs
as i sustain him and hemorrhage
in mesmeric throbs
delirium, paroxysm and excruciating
pretty prize for the winner of the race

ostentatious fanfare
an assumption that i would see the sun another time
i never guessed that today i would end
but some stories do end in the middle
don't they? oh don't they?

the owl and the panther coexist -
impossibility is only a state of mind
bite the china cup
and taste exquisite blood
what's important doesn't matter anymore
a secret, well kept from them all
between yourself and me
dire and ruinous as it may be

but that was only a dream after all
the pendulum has swung and heads will fall
relentless to the very end
a delicious paradox for the loving friend
now I am the one in a pack of cards
ravenous and inexorable when it cuts
off to wonderland with a simple kiss
but you'll never meet alice

don't ask me why it got so twisted when i started with dreams...
maybe i don't have them, nightmare conquers all...

quotable quotes

2008-07-22T14:25:00.005+08:00

many things on my mind lately, i can finally be at peace with myself i think for as Malcolm X puts it:

"You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom."

its all over and parting is such sweet sorrow
sorrow it shall be and let there be no tomorrow
for if it comes we shall be cursed
by the pricking of my thumbs
something wicked this way comes

but love is blind, and lovers cannot see
the pretty follies that themselves commit
there is nothing either good or bad
but thinking makes it so

many things on my mind
i really wanna find
how to put these thoughts to words
how to make it work
in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash out loud
noises noises noises
brings you through the phases
of kings and queens
storybooks are full of fairytales
of wars soldiers bleed to win
never relenting on the kills

one death is a tragedy but a million deaths is just a statistic

many things on my mind
i'll keep them in my mind
where it belongs
the place where they call home
there's a reason for everything
a reason why people think
and here is mine

its better to be silent and be thought a fool
than to speak and remove all doubt

i have my freedom now, so please let me be at peace
find me this inner peace
and i will leave you alone
disturb me not or u shall face the wrath
i promise its going to be rough

whine whine whine

2008-07-16T12:26:00.002+08:00

not in a poetic mood haha, i wanna whine! audi just had a patch last night - new chance modes etc. so excited to try it out only to find out tmd now the "End" key can also be used to press for chance like "Del" like that.

Ok now friends who knows how i play 8k knows that i use "Home", "End", "Page Up" and "Page Down" for my diagonals! now they add this blardy "End" in, everytime after i press finish i gotta check if my chance is on anot WTF man, got one "Del" key not enough meh?!

totally no mood to play zzz moo~~

ok that aside, there's cause for rejoice cos at least there is one nice song - "Kotic - Freestyle". but the band/singer name abit erm.. kortek? LOL

iHate

2008-07-15T16:42:00.000+08:00

two timers

scars

2008-07-09T11:59:00.004+08:00

i tear my heart open, i sew myself shut
my weakness is that i care too much
and my scars remind me that the past is real
i tear my heart open just to feel

drunk and i'm feeling down
and i just wanna be alone
i'm pissed cos you came around
why don't you just go home
cos you channel all your pain
and i can't help you fix yourself
you're making me insane
all i can say is go away
and never come back

i tried to help you once
against my own advice
i saw you going down
but you never realised
that you're drowning in the water
so i offered you my hand
compassion's in my nature
tonight is our last stand

i'm drunk and i'm feeling down
and i just wanna be alone
you shouldn't ever come around
why don't you just go home?
cos you're drowning in the water
and i tried to grab your hand
and i left my heart open
but you didn't understand
go fix yourself

i can't help you fix yourself
but at least i can say i tried
i'm sorry but i gotta move on with my own life

with every passing day
i move closer to the ray
ray of hope oh holy light
give me strength for the fight

disgust me, gross me out make yourself detestable
optimism is living in denial

angels

2008-07-01T16:41:00.002+08:00

fact or fiction. doesnt really matter.
other reactions under the weather.

sparkling angel i believe
you were my saviour in my time of need
blinded by faith i couldnt hear
all the whispers, warnings so clear

sparkling angel i couldnt see
your dark intentions, your feelings for me
fallen angel tell me why
what is the reason, that thorn in your eye

this world may have failed you
it doesnt give the reason why
you could have chose a different path in life

i see the angels
i'll lead them to your door
there's no escape now
no mercy no more
no remorse cos i still remember

the smile when you tore me apart
you took my heart
deceived me right from the start
you showed me dreams
i wished they'd turn into real
you broke a promise and made me realise
it was all just a lie
could have been forever
but now we have reached the end

oh my sparkling angel the fallen angel
we are no more then mere integers
like puppets in a Shakespearean play
ever longing to be in the fray

i love how your eyes flow
sparkling with a tinge of sorrow
irony begets me

tamia - almost

2008-06-30T14:54:00.002+08:00

Can you tell me
How can one miss what she's never had
How could I reminisce when there is no past
How could I have memories of being happy with you boy
Could someone tell me how can this be
How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened
How could we celebrate a love that's too late
And how could I really mean the words I'm bout to say

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

I cannot believe I let you go
Or what I should say is I shoulda grabbed you up and never let you go
I shoulda went out with youI shoulda made you my boo boy
Yeah that's one time I shoulda broke the rules
I shoulda went on a date
Shoulda found a way to escapeS
houlda turned a almost into
If it happend now its too late
How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real
And if it didn't happen why does my heart feel

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

(sometimes I wanna rub ya, some nights I wanna hug ya)
And you seem to be the perfect one for me
You (some nights I wanna touch ya but tonight I wanna love ya)
You're all that I ever wanted
And you're my everything yes its true
Boy its hard to be close to you
My love
I know it may sound crazy
But I'm in love with you

song of the moment

unrequited frustrations

2008-06-20T14:56:00.002+08:00

the distance is too real now. doesnt look like anything would change. i need a lucky strike or something to turn things around.

couldn't find a way, into your heart
couldn't find a way, didn't make it to the start

when he found himself lying all alone
hoped beyond hope, you'd call him on the phone
didn't turn out that way, things started to turn gray
vowed to himself then, something's gonna pay

everyday's the same, the same old familiar pain
empty bottle on the floor, but all he wants is more
picks himself up, takes a drink from the cup
clouds fog his pain, oblivion comes again

gets up on his feet, give anything to meet
so close he could touch, but then with a rush
in his foggy haze, his mind is ablaze
commits his final sin as the knife goes in, goes in, goes in

incomplete

2008-06-17T12:35:00.003+08:00

that's what this place is. been 4 months since i've updated, don't suppose there's anyone else reading now. afresh we start (or so they say).

can i have your attention please?
if you didn't want the garden why did you plant the seed?
you're making promises that you never keep
now you deal with the consequences down on your knees

and maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives
maybe we will live forever
and maybe we don't have to think its right
and maybe we will

i don't want to feel what you feel
i don't want to feel this incomplete
no one here can tell me
how to fill the space between

the butterfly, the butterfly
is beautiful but soon will die
will spread its wings in the eternal sky
eternal light with everything that's on its mind

you'll never believe this

and i can see you now
reaching out for me
and i can feel you now
setting yourself free

everyone knows you're my one regret
everyone knows you're my one weakness

and maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives
maybe we will live forever
and maybe we don't have to think its right
and maybe we will

now read this.

i love you

2008-02-16T04:41:00.001+08:00

happy birthday mummy! =)

lol i noe she will never see this but i still love you! sorry for being such a horrible and useless son, i'm trying my best T_T

er zi happy bdae

2008-02-06T14:51:00.000+08:00

even tho its late here, but i still wanna dedicate a post to my beloved er zi! happy bdae!! papa love you ok!

sigh, but it seems like ~~maybei'mthinkingtoomuch.~~

where am i going

2008-01-29T01:48:00.000+08:00

Where are you going, where do you go
Are you looking for answers, to questions under the stars
If along the way you are growing weary
You can rest with me until a brighter day
You're okay

hate this episode max

2008-01-19T00:47:00.000+08:00

its been a long long time.

we've gone seperate ways. so many things haf happened i dun even noe where to start from. i am undecided. i duno wad to do. i am tired. i am confused. i am frustrated. i am sick. i am depressed. i am running.

i hate to be running. especially running away.

my house, my home. i got home, room door locked. issit my home? issit my room?

need rest. need a break. desperate.

help.

lonely christmas

2007-12-25T07:22:00.000+08:00

horrible horrible christmas.. spent working T_T

duno why and cant explain it either but this year's christmas seems extraordinarily boring. hope it passes soon, really cant wait.

just how many real frens do i haf? issit so hard just to find sumbody to talk to? *sigh*

and yea, i think i've been accused of something i did not do.

frustrations and yet it seems as tho there's nothing i can do. but den again i cant really be bothered to explain la. if that's wad others think den so be it.

sick and tired.

a new beginning

2007-12-12T05:16:00.000+08:00

getting used to the new life. running to and fro between my house and parklane, catching barely a couple of hours of sleep each day now. haf to get used to it i guess but before i do so, fell sick zzz

den again it means MC yippee! lol

i'm sucha faggot damn

narcolepsy

2007-12-07T19:17:00.000+08:00

i'm on a train but there's no one at the helm
and there's a demon in my brain
who starts to overwhelm
and there it goes, my last chance for peace
you lay me down but i get no release
i try to swim beneath
i try to keep awake
but i can feel this narcolepsy slide
into another nightmare

and there's a demon in my head who starts to play
a nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
and i hold my breath till its more than what i can take
and i close my eyes and dream that i'm awake

and there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink
in a crowded room where the glasses clink
and i'll buy you a beer and well drink it deep
because that keeps me from falling asleep

i said "how'd you like to be alone and drowning"

still i find this narcolepsy slide
slide into another nightmare

visions of you on a motorcycle drive-by
the cigarette ash flies in your eyes and you don't mind,
you say the world doesn't fit with you
i don't believe you, you're so serene
careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, you're guiltless and free
i hope u take a piece of me with you
and there are things i'd like to do that you don't believe in
and there's this burning like there's always been
i've never been so alone and deep down in the cone

i go home to the coast, it starts to rain, i paddle out on the water alone
taste the salt, taste the pain and i'm thinking of you again
summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes
see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me home
i've never been so alone and deep down in the cone

it's the end

2007-12-07T19:11:00.000+08:00

end of the road now.

it was a brilliant one year and one week with you. pity it had to end so soon but at least the last day was fantastic.

from the times in audi to the movies, late nite out together and crazy/stupid things we did, i'll never forget them. there are prolly too many things to be mentioned but i keep them in a special corner of my heart.

thank you for the memories and i really think i came off this one learning alot.

like i told you, i'll be waiting for the day when u say yes again.

much loves.

iNeed

2007-11-17T11:40:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry that I hurt you
I took for granted all you gave so freely to me
I pray it's not too late
To save you from a broken heart
To promise you I'll make a brand new start
Believe me when I say

You are all that I need
The only treasure I see
You're the air that helps me breathe
through the darkest night
when I fall down on my knees
I was blind but now I see
You are all that I need

When no one far from perfect
Like a child that needs a guiding hand
Can you stay here with me
I finally understand
You've always been the missing part
Complete the jigsaw puzzle of my heart

Please let me hear your voice again
Let me hear you say your love will never end
That whatever it takes you'll be there

Maybe its already too late
Maybe I should leave it to fate
But no, that's not the way it should be
When the future I see is of You and Me

(dis)appointment

2007-11-13T21:04:00.000+08:00

disappointment to a noble soul is wad cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies but never destroys it.

point in question is, am i as resilient as the burning metal to begin with or am i already a rusted one?

you say that we cannot last but why? why does it seem like i cant match up to ur expectations?

at a loss for words, my mouth's stitched.

never wanted to come back

2007-11-13T20:54:00.000+08:00

here feeling so depressed. another (only) avenue for me to vent and rant.

~~i thought this love would never end~~ how cliche.

why does it seems like its so hard to please you. i always do wadeva u wanted me to diligently, hoping it'll make you happy. but no, it never did materialise.

i changed myself - my character, my thoughts and even some of my principles jus so that u wouldnt say "we're too different" or "we don't match cos our personality clashes". it has been slow i noe but i have changed, a fact which i think u recognise too.

so what does it take to make u "feel" happy?

dots (lil red ones)

2007-08-14T21:14:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh oh my gosh!! i saw myself on tv!! (ok i noe i sound like a childish freak) LOL

but damn, i look so retarded. >.<

promises

2007-08-08T03:18:00.000+08:00

made are meant to be kept. i just haf a problem with keeping them. especially when it has to do with something i haf very little control over. i hate myself for that part of me. help. i'm a terrible partner.

i'm sorry.

life's a bitch struggle

2007-08-07T00:25:00.000+08:00

came across this guy a couple of years ago. he died when he was 23 in 2002, just when his music was starting to take shape. however he only got noticed after he died. reason of death? cancer. the lyrics are blunt, raw, dark and reveals a side of life that chinese songs nowadays (that suffer from a lack of sophistication) can’t match up to. the topics are so in your face with reality that the rest of the chinese music industry seems like a big joke with all their lovey-dovey shit. ok maybe i am exaggerating but he really would beat all hands down especially with his most acclaimed single titled "Life's A Struggle".

here you go. 宋岳庭 - Life's A Struggle

正當我睁开双眼踏入这个世界
妈妈给我生命现在让我自生自灭
这让我恐惧在我的眼里每个人都戴着面具
回想过去难道生命就是这样延续?
我抽烟抽得我的肺都黑了
就像整个社会被人心笼罩着它也是黑的
我背着宿命的十字架
也渴望power, paper and respect
我想这大概就是human nature
佛家说烦恼即是菩提我暂且不提
我倒是希望能够回到母体
老妈对不起我时常把你气得跺脚
你说你后悔当初没有把我堕掉
每当我放学回家放下那沉重的背包
家里空无一人只残留着你香水的味道
那时我知道你那天晚上又要加班
我打开冰箱拿出微波炉吃冰的晚餐
老爸在凌晨两点钟醉醺醺地回家
我从睡梦中醒来只听到你们在吵架
我没有办法专心面对第二天的考试
老师他不喜欢我我也不喜欢老师
我讨厌穿制服我讨厌学校的制度
我讨厌训导主任的嘴脸讨厌被束缚
that's true
很多人不屑我的态度他们说我太cool
警察不爽我都曾将我逮捕
i don't give a fuck about 人家说什么他们想说什么
就说什么但是他们算什么
没有谁有权利拿他的标准衡量我
主宰是我自己随便人家如何想我还是我
爱钱的女人只给凯子摸
不懂得用保险套的人别嫌孩子多
金钱力量虽大却生不带来死不带走
紧握着双拳的人们何时能松开手?

**life's a struggle 日子还要过
品尝喜怒哀乐之后又是数不尽的troubles
everyday 有多少问题要去面对
有多少夜痛苦烦恼着你无法入睡…

**life's a struggle 日子还要过
品尝喜怒哀乐之后又是数不尽的troubles
everyday 有多少问题要去面对
有多少夜痛苦烦恼着你无法入睡…

法庭严肃的空气逼得我快不能呼吸
当时面临着终生监禁的我开始反省
铁栏杆之后又是个截然不同的景象
刑犯们眼神中看不到一点和平的气象
仅有一寸短的铅笔写的是监狱风云
日记上描绘的不是美好的户外风景
自由在他们眼里才是憧憬
放一把自制武器在枕头旁以防随时有人偷袭
有些人怀疑老婆在外偷情
有些人把家人寄来的信件一张一张好好收集
有些人二十四小时几乎在床上休息
有些人精神失常因为受不了打击
三个月如火如荼的漫长等待已过去
出狱后的我得面对三年的缓刑期
这也好一生中第一次感觉到幸福
但生命中的考验何止如此我不清楚
我不知道接下来还有什么会发生
翻开报纸的新闻又是看到放火杀人
还记得某年无意间发现的照片
上面有阿姨对男人施行口交的恶心画面
这简直摧毁了她在我心目中的形象
我无法忘怀照片中那笑容多么淫荡
我抵抗胸口存在着不安及惶恐
我不断听到痛苦的声音在内心怒吼

**life's a struggle 日子还要过
品尝喜怒哀乐之后又是数不尽的troubles
everyday 有多少问题要去面对
有多少夜痛苦烦恼着你无法入睡…

**life's a struggle 日子还要过
品尝喜怒哀乐之后又是数不尽的troubles
everyday 有多少问题要去面对
有多少夜痛苦烦恼着你无法入睡…

不论我走到天南不论我走到地北
不论我走到哪都见识到人心的虚伪
it's kinda funny 在人的眼里只有money
外表好像要帮你却只是想帮他自己
笑容可掬的脸后面谁知道是个狼心狗肺
连朋友都能背叛因为只有名利合他口味
她说她爱你的时候讲的是问心无愧
搞不好她爱的是你身后的荣华富贵
你可曾困惑在你身旁谁是敌是友对
你落井下石的可能就是你的挚友
你可曾经历当你最需要帮助的时候
平常跟你称兄道弟的人都突然失踪
亲爱的神伟大的神
你可以怪我想法太过无知但我只是人
我不信人因为人也不信我
不要问我为什么我最多只能告诉你这就是我
生命像海浪一样有时高有时低
你是否告诉自己坚强渡过各种时期
我從命運的天台放眼卻看不到星空
漆黑的天空壓在頭頂使我不得輕鬆
在我心中找不到一個安靜的角落
我不能再沈睡下去良心彷彿在笑我
它在說：有幾天幾夜老媽曾經為你以淚洗面
老爸他只顧己見希望之火只見熄滅
我接起電話是老爸憔悴的聲音
雖沒見面卻不難想像他當時的神情
剛聽完他最近失業的消息
腦海裡馬上浮現祖母的話警告我一定要爭氣
我已經放棄所有哭的理由
因為我早就習慣冷漠活在無情的現實裡頭
人生要如何起頭改變要如何起手
當活在泥沼中要如何才能金盆洗手

**life's a struggle 日子还要过
品尝喜怒哀乐之后又是数不尽的troubles
everyday 有多少问题要去面对
有多少夜痛苦烦恼着你无法入睡…

Uh life's a struggle
yeah life's a struggle

i noe its going to be tuff for pple who aint chinese orientated, but i assure u. its worth the read.

R.I.P. Shawn

let me noe if u guys want the song.

the pegasus

2007-08-01T02:19:00.000+08:00

Pegasus was a winged horse and good flyer. The Pegasus was the result of the ill fated mating of Medusa and Poseidon. (ill fated?? hmm) It was born from Medusa when her head was cut off (ouch).

wad a beginning such an elegant creature (to me at least) has.. wad revelation. who on earth would haf known that the Pegasus actually came from Medusa??!! they are like worlds apart can.

just some random blogging after a conversation with my honey regarding greek mythology hehe =)

back to the drawing board

2007-07-26T01:34:00.000+08:00

i thought it had taken a turn for the better. all i ever wanted was the best for you, trying to objective, to provide a passerby's view but you took it so strongly. being headstrong may not be the best you know?

i thought it had taken a turn for the better. i wish it will take a turn for the better. i find that i am constantly repeating wad i'm saying these days. is there sumthing wrong with me? no there's nothing wrong with me.

i'm reverting back to my old self - having nobody to talk to yet again so i'm here "talking". i hate this. but who can i talk to when even the one who used to listen to me refuses to do so now?

i hate this pent up frustrations. somebody teach me a way to relax, teach me a way to vent them. yea i noe, i'm repeating myself again. fuck.

of peanuts and buttercups

2007-07-25T11:25:00.000+08:00

i hate to be feeling this way. it saddens me to see u drift further and further away each day. may be its all my imagination, just my imagination. hopefully its my imagination.

oh and i kinda just realised i'm never able to write objectively as much as i want to. i love writing but sumhow my opinions get the better of me.

distance

2007-07-25T01:35:00.000+08:00

i feel so distant. with u being so happy and all.
not that i dun wan u to be happy
but i duno, it jus makes me insecure
its something i haf to overcome on my own
but i'm afraid i cant
i will try
i will fight
the demon that is inside of me
the demon inside called jealousy

i still want the best for you.
i want to be able to understand
i'm happy as long as you are ~~i guess~~

little red dot

2007-07-24T22:32:00.000+08:00

omg omg omg!! $500 in da sack!! woot!!

lol went to take part in this channel 8 variety show last saturday and guess wad?? my team won!! yippee!! the show's called 爱上小红点 by the way hehe

woke up early to make our way down to potong pasir CC (where the hell is that? lol). had to reach there by 10am. so requirements to take part was that we were all supposed to memorise this jingle and recite to them when ur turn comes, after which u haf to answer a "simple" question regarding singapore..

simple?? maybe not so simple for me ahha any body has any idea what's the first fully air-conditioned building in singapore? pardon me but my knowledge of singapore just aint that great ahha

i failed that particular question and was ushered to the side to await for a second round of questioning (which i got through of cos ^_^v)

a grand total of 60 participants were selected and we drew lots to see which host we would be following. initially, i kept saying that i didnt want to be in Kym's team but jus as fate has it... u know wad happened next when i drew the lots haha. and it wasnt because she's not as pretty as michelle (which is the undeniable truth) but rather because of the fact that on past episodes, it just seems like she anyhow whack the places to go.

wait wait wait, wait for the hosts to shoot the opening scenes.. took quite some time and when we were finally called into action, that pain-in-the-ass director kept scolding my team. i reckon its because we looked like a bunch of unruly kids compared to the other ah pek team.. grah. wad a old-fashioned mind.

ignoring that idiot, we selected 2 team leaders to go outdoors and run run run. yours truly, thank you and this other girl from LTA called shuzhen. i must say that she's really something? she knows her stuff man and that includes her way around singapore which was definitely a big plus.

anyways, i wouldnt say too much bout the details of the program here cos its really just too much.. if u really wanna noe, tune in to channel 8 on tuesday next week! it should be shown then ehhe

the whole shooting took the day away but it was a day well spent. great pple in the team and while we basked in our glory with the stack of $50s, others could only watch in envy hoho =pp really amazed that we pulled through this nerve wrecking saturday =) which of cos couldnt have been possible without:

the group from LTA who supplied us with NUMEROUS guides/directories etc..
weiping the lucky hand who always managed to pick spots that were near to each other
alfreda the ms know-it-all and handy with chinese puzzles
and of the many others whom i cannot remember the names or their contribution, i'm sure they must haf cooperated so well that our team all felt at ease and united just within a day. excellent stuff i must say.

really honoured to be given the chance to be the "leader" even tho they dunno me at all. thanks guys even tho it was abit stressful, as tho all ur hopes were pinned on me but i'm glad i didnt let anybody down.. =)

爱上小红点!!

felt like cutting writing

2007-07-14T19:30:00.000+08:00

can one be swallowed by a lover's grasp?
can one fall victim to a love meant to last?
can i be the one to be taken in?
will i be the chosen to live with your sin?

blissfully unaware
strewn before a grave
you picked up my pieces, held me high
and told me i was brave

you made me feel together
when i always fell apart
you made me happy
right from the very start

even if i let go for a moment
you never left my side
i never wanted to love again
but you made sure i tried

let me ask you something
now, do you believe?
that you made me see
what you can achieve?

if i just hang on
and you just wait abit longer
we'll prove everyone wrong
and come out even stronger

all the people
they just can't see
and they want us to fail
bacause none of them can be

forget what they said, becuse none of it is true
you brought me back when i was blue
think of only what we can do
you held me up as i will too

you showed me i can love again
you made me forget my past
because now we're in something
we both know will last

i see you there
in the corner of my eye
why do the moonflowers bloom
under the dimly lighted night sky
you walk down the alleyway
like a burst of sunshine ray
and i love it when you say'
i don't want to deny
i love you and that's no lie

i know there are plenty out there
i know she's one of a kind
and indeed very hard to find
i've ended my search 7 months ago
and she's always on my mind
love divine
our fates have intertwined
we were meant to shine
together, and forever,
you and i

i'm sorry for the times i made you feel like you were second best
in my honest opinion you really floor the rest

always on my mind
always in my mind
always, my mind

gone

2007-05-07T01:30:00.000+08:00

the hard work all gone. efforts all gone. every motherfucking thing gone.

mebbe i really cant tolerate anymore. 3 times in a day. pure madness.

why?

my heart bleeds profusely. it hurts so much, i dun even noe wad to do. feels so numb. help.

prizes from stacker!!!

2007-03-23T16:02:00.000+08:00

jus look at this. $2 for these 2 prizes - a nintendo ds lite and a creative zen V plus. lol unbelievable? u better believe it haha =pp my dear is a pro haha

oh and our shoes weeeee =)

yet happiness found me

2007-03-23T16:00:00.000+08:00

altho i'm leading quite a tiring life now, the best comfort i get is going back home to my sweet darling. finally i haf somebody who puts in the same amount of effort or more that i do. she is so so so so so sweeet. i cant help but fall in love with you more and more with each passing day. honey if you're reading this, i love you.

sighs

2007-03-23T15:58:00.000+08:00

i wanna dance so badly. list for dancetitude has already been sent out, i had so badly wanted to be involved in a dance concert on a scale like this, to explore the various genres and show them off. but sadly due to the sequence of events that happened, i'm not able to take part. when will i ever dance like i did in the past again? mebbe never. *sigh*

dance dance dance

2007-03-11T20:00:00.000+08:00

been so long since i last danced, really wanna get back down to it. boogie boogie!!! =p better get back down to the basics again before i even start to tink bout stuff like popping or even ballroom lol. ballroom with my sweeeeeet honey!! =p

my sweeeeeet honey, lol

2007-03-11T19:51:00.000+08:00

this is my darlinggggggg lol. i love her even tho we haf had many many disagreements due to the difference in our characters, but it's all slowly working out now. i'm jus glad i haf somebody whom i can count on when i'm down. thanks for believing in me dear, u're the best!! (lol anti climax)

look at this!! she did it on this afternoon while waiting for me to come back from work. ^_^ oh yah, work? for all ur info, i'm no longer a student at NTU and i haf kinda gotten to terms with that but wad i cannot stand is pple rubbing it in. i wudnt mind toking bout it actually so if u really are keen on finding out, jus ask. but basically i'm back in the airforce and not studying, for the moment.

anger management, jealousy overdose

2007-03-11T19:45:00.000+08:00

it's a fact that i haf a serious problem with anger management, my temper is bad as can be and those who haf had encounters with it knows it only too well. i too recognise this fact and i am desperate to cure it, to get a control of my temper. what can be done? anger management in need. more so because i do not wish to hurt the ones i love. those whom i do not, be prepared to face the wrath when the time comes.

part 2 is pretty obvious. it's jus me. any tips to keep it under control? and i'm not trying to push the blame to anybody but i tink its all thanks to u, ellen wong.

*sigh* sumtimes i'm tinking of closing this blog down cos i may not like the fact that pple whom i dont want to view are here looking. it is sad that we haf to go thru such means. but why till this stage now? =

waiting

2007-02-05T01:03:00.000+08:00

waiting, i'm waiting for you.
why did things have to come to this state?
i reckon it's all cause of me.
cos of my inability to do many things
my inability to accept many things

frustration sets in on this night
accumulated over many days
endured through the weeks
and now its approaching months
wad difference has it made?

too confused, too many thoughts, too frustrated.
let me not fall into the same trap yet again
the power of depression is there for all to behold
or perhaps its all in vain

i need to get through this
cos you and i both loved.