when i was a child, i remember people asking me what i wanted to be when i grew up - it never failed that my answer was forever changing. once i reached the adult world, it seemed like what i wanted to be was out of reach, therefore i settled on making a living instead. now i find myself searching for a more in-depth reason to explain the child i once was, the adult i currently am, and the kind of person i wanted to be.
once i figure out where i have been, or who i once was, i can add in where i am now, or who i am now, then I can begin to think about where I want to go, or who I want to be, and what I need to do to accomplish this goal. perhaps i can think of it as a mathematical type of equation, a +b = 2b +c. all in all it is a fairly long, drawn out, complicated equation which requires a great deal of inner searching, and delving into my past, and present affairs. after i have gathered all necessary information i must begin to put it all tofether and hope the pieces of my life's puzzle will fit together, so then i may sit down and take an analytical look at what has been, in hopes of finding the answer to search for my self. over the years i have pondered whether or not i was living the kind of life i was meant to live. when i think about where i have been and all i have done, i sometimes wonder if i have chosen the right paths to travel down. perhaps i could be living a life of ease, or one filled with fame and fortune. perhaps i could have made a name for myself, one that would live in the history books forever. perhaps i could have been of service to others. in spite of all my perhaps, i cannot change where i have been or where i am now. instead i must use my knowledge to uncover the truth of my self, in order to discover the kind of person i should be. i am confident that when all is said and done i will discover the various ethics, morals, standards and values that are alive and well in the world today, may create a definite dilemma to me and to anyone else who may be in search of self. the choices of how i should live, are many and all people have their own opinions of what is morally correct, and what is not. the kind of person i should be may just be the kind of person i already am today.
or maybe not.
Then the Lord said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?"
"I don't know", he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?"- Genesis 4:9-16 that is said to be the first lie ever for humanity. why do people tell lies? "liar, liar pants on fire" a silly little song we used to chant when we were young. dancing around the presumed guilty friend pointing fingers and snickering behing our grubby little hands. most of us have been guilty at times for not only telling "untruths", we have also been the recipient of false accusations. as a child the experience brought our idyllic world crashing down as we ran sobbing to our mother's comforting arms. although encouraged and at times threatened by our parents to never tell a lie, very few of us were guilt free growing up. lies are sometimes classified depending on the severity of their less than humble beginnings. there is the "little white lie" which is most often used and abused. a bit of information not exactly true, a few words that become embellished as it passed from one source to another. its intentions were not meant to cause any harm to anyone's character. most times a little white lie is uttered merely for self preservation. it's partners in crime are the age old adages "i don't know" "i didn't do it". how many times as a child did we use those words to ward off any form of discipline? there are instances when people lie to impress; attempting to move themselves to a higher position amongst their peers. disregarding the liability of their actions, if the truth becomes known they not only lose the trust of the person they lied to; their integrity is forever judged. labelled as someone who had trouble telling the truth, you become less reputable in social circles or the office setting. being caught in a lie has far reaching ramifications. realising a lie spreads like wildfire, be prepared for the liar's name to bounce like a ball; reaching people the liar has never met. i remember my parents forever telling me as a child that it is much easier to "just tell the truth". more times than not they added "if you dont have something nice to say then dont say anything at all." growing up a little hard headed, i did not always follow their beliefs. make no mistake, the discipline came swift, but somehow it did not always stop the "little white lies" i committed in a futile attepmt to save myself. i believe people lie for many reasons; to protect themselves first and foremost. they lie believing they present a better, more appealing image of themselves. lying to perhaps boost their self esteem. who really knows the reason people lie? besides if they revealed their reasons, would we believe them? there are several important things i learnt way back then amongst my habitual "little white lie" escapades. the truth is not always easier to sayand during those times, say nothing at all. when we lie it will sometimes come back to haunt us sometime in out live, usually when we least expect it. * * * * *there upon the loom of lifeare threaded all my dayssome sunny gold with happinessand some in shades of gray sometimes i over analysesee myself through other's eyessometimes i dont like what i seebut it's me, gotta let it be mistakes are made, lessons learnedmake them again, ask to be burnedi am who i am - take it or leave itbackstabbing backstabber? i really dont need it i show myself truenot like you lies and deceptions are not the plani wont apologize for being who i amyou see what you see, it's not my faulti dont hide the true me, or lock it in a vault feelings true and honest were built on lieslies you wear like a disguiseyou hide who you are, but i finally seeand turn away cos its not for me emotions flood behind a gatelove so true, layered with hatemy head is in turmoil, i cant find the trutham i so stuck on the love of youth? that i cant trust whats offered to mei cant take the hand offered so free?mistakes are made, lessons learnedcant take any chance of getting burned so i hide from the light and sit in the darkit may not be right but i cant risk my heartyou see now what you did to mewith your lies and deceptions i didnt see i trust the bad, mistrust the goodnothing seems to go on as it shouldi cant bounce back like you expect of mei cant ease your guilt or set your conscience free that's not my job, you see? i was who i am but longer am who i waswho i was, was lost. burried in disastrous loveso now i over analyse, see others through a screen in my eyesa screen you built with threads of lies
the curse is set and shall not be broken
once words are read and out loud spoken
as it was written so it shall be
as light is of sun and as tide is of sea
upon your soul a thousand plagues
to live long and last for all of days
through the clouds the moon doth shine
darkness only doth entwine
you seek the light but shall not find
for demons taketh up your mind
and thou does pray this blight wont last
but praying makes them tighten grasp
and as grasp tightens, thy defies
but thou cant contain horrific cries
the mind has gone some and more from theft
all thou canst do is wish for death
the will to fight thou canst not find
for the taking of the mind
renders thee a broken shell
for words were spoken hence thee fell
the moon is there for all to see
if thou is frightened, go ahead and flee
for running is all one canst do
for them not to seem like a complete fool
there comes a point when one must stop
go against the wicked clock
face up to what thou calls reality
and not surrender yourself completely
when will the time for such come
only time will tell you when there's no more harm
time's the essence of our live
go on and find your perfect hive
guys, i've decided. plans already made, procedures almost done. i'm migrating in june. bye peeps.
happy april's fool! xD
lol ok i'm losing my sense of humour zz. dang.
i want you to know
that i've been there before
that i've felt what you are feeling
i know the demons
that you are dealing with
i remember hiding
i remember sliding
deeper and deeper
into the darkness
and no once could harness
my anger, my lashing out
one sweet day
the sun will rise
tears will dry out
on grateful eyes
this is how we change and grow
i've been there before
just so you know
looking back i lived a lie
feelings of despair
and wanting to die
fear crept deep within
the world didnt care
my mind kept me from knowing truthfully
i knew no love for myself
if unhidden there is beauty
in the person hidden inside
in a heart there is wealth
hidden truth kept me from living
thankfully now i live
hidden truth kept me from giving
here i am, i now see
it is better to give
broken thoughts of childhood dreams
i was so broken by this walk
yet nothing is as it seems
when truth is hidden
now i live, now i talk
give yourself to the truth of you
the rest is all a lie
you are special, this is true
you are worth this life
dont let life pass you by
life goes along routinely and we seldom ever take
a moment out to contemplate the choices that we make
in fact, if you just think about your life, day in day out
you'll find you take most things for granted, there's no doubt
that is until the day arrives, that shatters sunshine bright
and tears it all to pieces as it fills our lives with fright
a phone call in the dead of night with news that's hard to bear
a child who's missing after school, you cant find anywhere
the sickness of a loved one, a heart that's in distress
the feebleness of old age making loved ones feel duress
i think perhaps the purpose of this is just to say
take time to count your blessings, for they could soon go away
dont ever take for granted, dont assume we have tomorrow
bad words between two people could forever cause them sorrow
treat everyday as though it is the last one you will know
savour every moment, reap the blessings and let them flow
* * * * *
as the new day begins to grow
whispers of desire fill this space
like echoes atop a winter snow
your voice greets my ears
my breath goes thin
and i fall for you
all over again
your eyes sparkle like a ring
revealed for the first time
visions of you
replay in my mind
your presence meets my eyes
my breath goes thin
and i fall for you
all over again
your heart of gold ends my rainbow
and your touch dries all my rain
like a forbidden love
to gently erase my pain
your fingertips reach mine
my breath goes thin
and i fall over you
all over again
accepting the way things have to be
could never be harder
but for you
i'd go even farther
i'd give you love
like there's no tomorrow
give you hugs
to ease your sorrow
kisses to make you melt
as we play in the rain
a touch to show
my feelings will remain
a cinderella date
on a starlit night
you're all dressed up
what a beautiful sight
your heart beats with mine
my breath goes thin
as i fall for you
all over again
how do you know
what you are supposed to do
when everytime you do something
something else falls through
how do you know
what you are supposed to say
when everytime you talk
someone else gets in your way
your days are full
your nights are humble
your dreams are all the same
barely do you ever dare to mumble
nothing feels right
nothing feels good
you feel like you need to escape
but do not know if you should
you feel so alone
trapped inside a world of pain
the days drag on
but still you have no name
you bury your emotions
hide them from the rest
you do it so well
some would say you're the best
you walk down a long street
filled with darkness and shame
people watch you there
but no one knows your name
it is a secret held within you
one so dear you cannot say
a secret only you would know
to bring all to dismay
if only you could tell the world
what you really feel
then maybe they would call out to you
and they would help you to heal
but lest you walk along this path
waiting for the right time
that someone will walk up to you
and clean you of your grime
they never tell you all the stories
how love can be so cruel
it's not an easy lesson learnt
nor one they teach in school
they never tell you all the stories
how love can be so unkind
the love you let slip away
the love you never find
they never tell you all the stories
how love can be so unfair
others take all the love
while you never get your share
they never tell you all the stories
how love can be so untrue
is her love for someone else
or reserved, and just for you
they never tell you all the stories
how love can be so unwise
love can leave you so confused
between all the truth and lies
but now i've told you all the stories
and every one of them is true
but please do not give up on love
else love might just give up on you
i hate this deafening silence between us
a formidable barricade you have cast
the moments of quiet and no response
really lets me feel so insecure
keep me away
block me away
pretend i aint here
and you've got nothing to fear
another journey soon begins
but where it ends
the path is dim
through twists and bends
a glimpse is seen
of where it leads
but only with eyes so keen
and a willing heart that heeds
only in faith can one proceed
through the distant haze
with none to lead
the way through the tangled maze
many have travelled this path before
while others stood in time
frozen before the door
never to answer the chime
the distant ringing
drawing the lonely traveller near
with hypnotising singing
calming all fears
a leap of faith is all it takes
to experience it all
one move to make
and forever avoid the fall
but all too many souls
can't make the stand
to fill the empty hole
and never quite understand
the strength to grow
is deep inside
but once its found, all will know
for it, you can never hide
thus, when will i really know
will it be just an empty hole
a void i've created on my own accord
how do we tell who's at fault
perhaps i should end this futile dream
a dream that was not mine to keep
i am broken or so it seems
help me get back on my feet